[ he'd like to think he at least has that kind of control, can at least dissuade people from spreading misinformation before it gets out of hand. does he want it to get out of hand? with Sizhui, not the rumors. he mentally smacks himself the moment that thought even enters his mind because what the fuck Jin Ling you can't just think like this about your best friend. it's...
yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
[goodness, jin ling, what would people think if they knew? not that they will, considering who sizhui is and how he wouldn't let such things get out of hand— the rumors, of course, because if things got out of hand with them... well, that's something he'd make certain wouldn't leave this bedroom.
but considering such things certainly isn't necessary when they're just friends. friends can lay in bed beside each other, one can help the other calm down from a possible (likely oncoming) anxiety attack and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing off about it.
...right?
hold it together a little longer, he pleads with himself, breath somehow still steady, sustained. jin ling's hand is a warm, solid weight against his abdomen, one he's desperately trying not to get distracted by as he must maintain composure for this breathing exercise (and for the sheer fact that if he slips, jin ling will notice, which might bring on an unwanted onslaught of questions). admittedly though, he is enjoying the way it feels, their hands following the slow in-out of his breathing. whether it's instinctual or not, sizhui's fingertips gently settle into the slight dips between jin ling's fingers, although he doesn't entwine their hands. that very well might've been over the line, so better safe than sorry.
oh no, he noticed anyway, didn't he? unfortunate as it is, jin ling's tactful enough to not question him, just hushes, does what he's told and the lan disciple couldn't be more appreciative in that moment. once jin ling's got his other hand settled, he swallows thickly, presses his lips tight, hearing honed in on the momentary stutter of his breathing.]
Keep breathing, [he encourages, soft and leveled, unoccupied hand lifting to rest across their hands. please, don't let go.] ...you're doing good, okay? Just a few more.
[ let them talk. he'd ream them another one if they started spreading rumors. just look at his Dajiu and Hanguang-jun. if they can do— no, his brain is not going down that road. the point of the matter is... it's none of their business anyway. the heat simmering in his gut feels odd in contrast to his anxiety and he swallows, even as he does his best to take deep breaths as per Sizhui's instructions.
if... if he liked Sizhui, and he's not saying he does, (but you do says a small voice in his ear), but if he did... he wouldn't let some petty gossip spreaders get in the way.
the more he thinks about it, with his eyes closed, breathing in tandem with his companion, the more he can't get it out of his head. the proximity, the heat... the feeling that he kind of wants to kiss him and he suddenly blinks his eyes open wide. what? he wants to. oh.
ow.
he shifts to turn his head slightly to watch Sizhui's face, swallowing down a lump in his throat. oh. he opens his mouth to reply, but struggles to find his voice until something cracks and he can speak. ]
What... what about you? Your heart is beating really fast.
[people will always talk, gossip will continue spreading; it's a vicious circle, but one that can sometimes be handled by simply not acknowledging it exists. at some point, they'll find a new topic to tittle-tattle about and the talk of lan sizhui leaving jin ling's room at inappropriate hours of the night will be yesterday's news. maybe – just maybe – sizhui wouldn't have too many complaints if they talked anyway, though.
there's nothing to fuss about at the moment either because there isn't anything going on between them, no matter how much he may wish there was.
(no, wait, he didn't actually think that, did he? he sure did.)
he flutters his eyelashes, tries to ignore the warmth spreading throughout his chest, up his neck and into his cheeks, which are likely pinkening the longer he lays there. thank goodness, whenever jin ling looks his way, his eyes are shut, every ounce of leftover focus he has being put into not being nearly as obviously embarrassed as he feels.
at the sound of his friend's voice, sizhui's eyes flutter open, blink once and then a second time before he finally turns to face him. he's well-aware how fast his heartrate is, how quickly it picks up when he realizes how close they are, and yet he dares to say:] Ah... is it? [and before he continues, sizhui lifts their hands for whatever excuse he'll have, although he's making certain jin ling won't feel the steady increase of his pulse.]
[ Jin Ling can't get the feeling out of his chest, can't make his own heart stop thumping against his ribcage, and now that realization has dawned on him he doesn't know what to do.
so he latches onto the next best thing. which happens to be sitting up half-way and trying to move his hand back to Sizhui's chest to feel for his pulse. it's worrying? of course it is, and he care so much, it's such an unbelievable pressure and he doesn't understand why he didn't realize this sooner. this crushing feeling he can't get out of his head.
because it is crushing, because he knows Sizhui doesn't feel the same. ]
What do you mean focused? Focused on making your heart beat like that? Are you okay?
[ as if your own heart isn't beating a mile per minute, Jin Ling. ]
[this... isn't how he expected their deep-belly breathing to go. spiraling further out of control is the opposite direction they should be going, but it seems like the course the path has taken for now. comparing it to a derailed train seems excessive almost, except it's the only thing he has, and the fact jin ling attempts reaching to put his hand back onto his chest certainly won't help matters any.]
Jin Ling, [sizhui murmurs, firm yet also still lacking actual heat behind the complaint. meanwhile, he does attempt stopping him, moves his unoccupied arm and tries catching his friend's wrist before he can actually feel for his unsteady pulse. funnily enough though, there isn't much oomph behind that, either.]
No, focused on making sure yours doesn't beat like that. [he sighs a breathy laugh.] And I'm fine, alright? Don't worry so much about me.
[exactly why sizhui didn't want to draw further attention to his own rapid heartbeat.]
[ when Sizhui tries to keep his hand away, fighting him, it hurts a little, as if the other doesn't trust him. Jin Ling pulls his hand back, reluctantly, though his eyes narrow. ]
You can't tell me I can't worry about you if you worry about me. That's not how it works, Sizhui.
[ his heart isn't beating any less quickly, now a mingle of his own racing feelings and the panic lacing itself through them. but he can manage it, it's not the first time he's felt this way. Sizhui however, calm, collected Sizhui shouldn't have to feel this way, and he feels bad because it's as if he's at fault for putting it there, somehow. ]
I'll worry. Because you're important to me.
[ it slips out before he can think too much about it. ]
[seeing jin ling's expression crease is already more than enough to make sizhui feel guilty, but the remark following it really seals the deal. he opens his mouth, preparing some pinched, steely answer that dies on his tongue; it tastes bitter and unforgiving because jin ling's right, it isn't fair of him to do that.
he withdraws his arm, settles the elbow between them, lets the hand splay across his ribs right over his heart. still going a million miles a minute, but he focuses on it and rewords his thoughts into something more proper before speaking.]
You— you're important to me, too. [sizhui's admittance comes easier since jin ling's said it first, but what follows is a bit more difficult to say,] Whenever I'm around you, my heart... I can't control it.
Like there's a storm raging in my chest, is the only way I can explain how it feels.
[ he's about to speak more, but he goes entirely quiet as Sizhui speaks up, swallowing lightly the more words he hears. he also feels his face go up in flames, doesn't know what to do with this information suddenly thrown at him. information he's dreamed of hearing for a while and now— what?
he opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, hands coming up and halting mid-air, eyes wide. ]
[oh no, he's said too much, hasn't he? bit late for backpedaling, unfortunately, so sizhui just holds his breath instead, clenches his fingers tight around the fabric of his robes. had they gotten wires crossed? it really did seem like ‘important’ meant something in particular—
his own lips are pressed tight while he waits, patient as ever, attention still shyly turned away until jin ling's hands raise. he blinks, spares them a glance then reaches the hand off his chest and gently touches the arm nearest to him.]
I'm sorry if I've overstepped, but... it's the truth.
[ the wires are crossed but not in the way Sizhui thinks. he tries his best to not flounder, realizes his arms are suspended in the air, and Sizhui touches him and he... he brings his other hand up to lay it on top of Sizhui, completely unaware of what to do but just going with the flow and... and...
his cheeks are hot and he swallows down a lump in his throat and clears it once, twice, takes a breath. his heart is beating a mile a minute and won't stop, so that's easier said than done. when Sizhui speaks again he quickly shakes his head and averts his eyes. ]
You didn't— you haven't overstepped. You couldn't.
[as soon as jin ling's hand comes in contact, sizhui latches on, doing everything within his power to not let the gesture seem too desperate. he tries, at the very least, but taking jin ling's hand into his own, lacing their fingers together and pressing them palm-to-palm is a lot needier-seeming than he'd expected.
but he doesn't try fighting whenever jin ling shakes his head or looks away, just lets him do what he likes, still tentatively watching despite the possible rudeness of staring. he can't help it, there's a constant, lingering apprehension he'll mess something up by going too far.]
Are you sure? [because they're most certainly holding hands right now.]
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houseofsushi2020-05-22 10:34 pm
no subject
yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
no subject
but considering such things certainly isn't necessary when they're just friends. friends can lay in bed beside each other, one can help the other calm down from a possible (likely oncoming) anxiety attack and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing off about it.
...right?
hold it together a little longer, he pleads with himself, breath somehow still steady, sustained. jin ling's hand is a warm, solid weight against his abdomen, one he's desperately trying not to get distracted by as he must maintain composure for this breathing exercise (and for the sheer fact that if he slips, jin ling will notice, which might bring on an unwanted onslaught of questions). admittedly though, he is enjoying the way it feels, their hands following the slow in-out of his breathing. whether it's instinctual or not, sizhui's fingertips gently settle into the slight dips between jin ling's fingers, although he doesn't entwine their hands. that very well might've been over the line, so better safe than sorry.
oh no, he noticed anyway, didn't he? unfortunate as it is, jin ling's tactful enough to not question him, just hushes, does what he's told and the lan disciple couldn't be more appreciative in that moment. once jin ling's got his other hand settled, he swallows thickly, presses his lips tight, hearing honed in on the momentary stutter of his breathing.]
Keep breathing, [he encourages, soft and leveled, unoccupied hand lifting to rest across their hands. please, don't let go.] ...you're doing good, okay? Just a few more.
no subject
if... if he liked Sizhui, and he's not saying he does, (but you do says a small voice in his ear), but if he did... he wouldn't let some petty gossip spreaders get in the way.
the more he thinks about it, with his eyes closed, breathing in tandem with his companion, the more he can't get it out of his head. the proximity, the heat... the feeling that he kind of wants to kiss him and he suddenly blinks his eyes open wide. what? he wants to. oh.
ow.
he shifts to turn his head slightly to watch Sizhui's face, swallowing down a lump in his throat. oh. he opens his mouth to reply, but struggles to find his voice until something cracks and he can speak. ]
What... what about you? Your heart is beating really fast.
no subject
there's nothing to fuss about at the moment either because there isn't anything going on between them, no matter how much he may wish there was.
(no, wait, he didn't actually think that, did he? he sure did.)
he flutters his eyelashes, tries to ignore the warmth spreading throughout his chest, up his neck and into his cheeks, which are likely pinkening the longer he lays there. thank goodness, whenever jin ling looks his way, his eyes are shut, every ounce of leftover focus he has being put into not being nearly as obviously embarrassed as he feels.
at the sound of his friend's voice, sizhui's eyes flutter open, blink once and then a second time before he finally turns to face him. he's well-aware how fast his heartrate is, how quickly it picks up when he realizes how close they are, and yet he dares to say:] Ah... is it? [and before he continues, sizhui lifts their hands for whatever excuse he'll have, although he's making certain jin ling won't feel the steady increase of his pulse.]
I suppose I was too focused, I didn't notice.
no subject
so he latches onto the next best thing. which happens to be sitting up half-way and trying to move his hand back to Sizhui's chest to feel for his pulse. it's worrying? of course it is, and he care so much, it's such an unbelievable pressure and he doesn't understand why he didn't realize this sooner. this crushing feeling he can't get out of his head.
because it is crushing, because he knows Sizhui doesn't feel the same. ]
What do you mean focused? Focused on making your heart beat like that? Are you okay?
[ as if your own heart isn't beating a mile per minute, Jin Ling. ]
no subject
Jin Ling, [sizhui murmurs, firm yet also still lacking actual heat behind the complaint. meanwhile, he does attempt stopping him, moves his unoccupied arm and tries catching his friend's wrist before he can actually feel for his unsteady pulse. funnily enough though, there isn't much oomph behind that, either.]
No, focused on making sure yours doesn't beat like that. [he sighs a breathy laugh.] And I'm fine, alright? Don't worry so much about me.
[exactly why sizhui didn't want to draw further attention to his own rapid heartbeat.]
no subject
You can't tell me I can't worry about you if you worry about me. That's not how it works, Sizhui.
[ his heart isn't beating any less quickly, now a mingle of his own racing feelings and the panic lacing itself through them. but he can manage it, it's not the first time he's felt this way. Sizhui however, calm, collected Sizhui shouldn't have to feel this way, and he feels bad because it's as if he's at fault for putting it there, somehow. ]
I'll worry. Because you're important to me.
[ it slips out before he can think too much about it. ]
no subject
he withdraws his arm, settles the elbow between them, lets the hand splay across his ribs right over his heart. still going a million miles a minute, but he focuses on it and rewords his thoughts into something more proper before speaking.]
You— you're important to me, too. [sizhui's admittance comes easier since jin ling's said it first, but what follows is a bit more difficult to say,] Whenever I'm around you, my heart... I can't control it.
Like there's a storm raging in my chest, is the only way I can explain how it feels.
no subject
he opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, hands coming up and halting mid-air, eyes wide. ]
You... you... you just—
no subject
his own lips are pressed tight while he waits, patient as ever, attention still shyly turned away until jin ling's hands raise. he blinks, spares them a glance then reaches the hand off his chest and gently touches the arm nearest to him.]
I'm sorry if I've overstepped, but... it's the truth.
no subject
his cheeks are hot and he swallows down a lump in his throat and clears it once, twice, takes a breath. his heart is beating a mile a minute and won't stop, so that's easier said than done. when Sizhui speaks again he quickly shakes his head and averts his eyes. ]
You didn't— you haven't overstepped. You couldn't.
no subject
but he doesn't try fighting whenever jin ling shakes his head or looks away, just lets him do what he likes, still tentatively watching despite the possible rudeness of staring. he can't help it, there's a constant, lingering apprehension he'll mess something up by going too far.]
Are you sure? [because they're most certainly holding hands right now.]