[ he shuffles his papers around without actually looking at them. god damn it Jin Ling, what's wrong with you? it's just Sizhui, there's no reason to be nervous around him. it's your best friend, remember?
maybe the headache is really just messing with him, this anxiousness really only the nausea he's left with since last night, surely that's it, and he tries to swallow the way his heart is trying to climb into his throat because it's definitely not comfortable.
it takes a few more moments before he's effectively made a bigger mess of his table and he just abandons that in favour of glancing up at his companion, in time to meet his eyes. his cheeks flush without his consent because who allowed Sizhui to look like that, picture perfect and cute even when he's tired and wow okay. no.
screech and halt, wow. stop, brain. he purses his lips and quickly looks down, reaches up to brush the flush of his cheeks but instead leans his forehead against his fingers. ]
No, it's... [ what? why did he bring up Jingyi anyway, just to fill the silence? ] Thank you, Sizhui.
[rustling papers hold sizhui's attention, give him something mindless to focus on during his momentary consideration: had he embarrassed jin ling coming here? by showing him the slightest hint of possible affection—
now hold on, that may not be the proper word! it's definitely the right one, no doubt about that, you just don't want to admit that because what if he doesn't feel the same way?
well, at least the other boy won't need to feel too self-conscious since sizhui is quite certain his cheeks are abruptly pink despite doing everything within his power to will the blush away. jin ling breaks eye-contact first and his own gaze lowers, both hands raising then dropping atop his thighs with a soft, yet still audible smack.]
We're friends, Jin Ling. It's the least I could do and I know you'd do the same. [or in his own sort of way? also, here's hoping jin ling won't mind if he just. slowly lets himself tumble backward across his bed like it's no big deal. easily the worst idea when he's already lightheaded but being laid down means he's stabilized, that he can close his eyes while doing some slow diaphragm-based breathing and trying to gather his bearings.]
[ affection is embarrassing, okay? and he'd least of all expect it being directed at himself. gods, he's turning into his uncle and he's well aware of that. that's... a sad thought. (sorry, uncle).
Sizhui is just kind, that's his default state of being. he's always been kind to his friends, he'd do the same for Jingyi or Zizhen, or any other person, really. him coming over to you this close to the night isn't special, Jin Ling, get a grip.
he doesn't jump at the smack, but he does look back up, brows furrowing a little. ah... yes, there's the confirmation of Sizhui's pure and respectable kindness. that's all there is, friendly kindness. he mentally smacks himself and decides to stuff any other potential feeling he is (absolutely not!) having in a box, lock it with fifty padlocks and bury it so far back into his mind he won't find it again. surely that's the safest way to do it.
...so why does his cheeks still heat a little as Sizhui makes his bed a resting place. Jin Ling doesn't mind, but now he's also rooted to the spot, because Sizhui is on his bed, laying down. this shouldn't even be an issue. this is what friends do... right? it's normal. he clears his throat, feeling it twinge a little with uncomfortable tightness and tries to relax his shoulders. ]
Of course I would. Because we're friends. ... do you need to sleep? You should sleep.
[ the words are out his mouth before he can stop them and he's not going to take them back now. ]
[yes, he knows, that's why he isn't making a big deal out of it. or is trying not to, anyway? (jin ling, please, don't become your uncle when it comes to receiving affection . . .)
he's kind and would do the same thing for them, but he did this for jin ling because— because why? if he'd do the same for his other friends, what makes visiting jin ling tonight different? he doesn't honestly have an answer.
the next breath he inhales is a little sharper than he means, though it's alright. sizhui simply holds it, loosens his hands where he'd crossed them over his stomach and reaches with the left one to clutch his ribs like he might sincerely have an injury of some sort. he doesn't, it's just an excuse for why he sounded that way. “do not tell lies,” and “abstain from anything that feels wrong,” both dart across his thoughts at the same time. it won't totally be a lie.
sizhui's face hasn't gotten any less redder, by the way! in fact, after having laid himself out, his cheeks are heating with the realization that one: he's lying in jin ling's bed, and two: jin ling seems okay with this, even takes it a step further by asking if he should sleep then correcting himself and saying more intently.]
It isn't nine yet.
Besides, Jin Ling, [except he hesitates, mouth going impossibly dry, a lump forming in his throat soon after. you can't say that, you can't— the hand on his side skims to his chest, presses while he swallows, tongue darting over his lips before he breathlessly murmurs,] You should, too.
[ he can't help it that's how he was raised! not that he doesn't want the affection, he really does, but he doesn't know what to do with it when he is on the receiving end so it just ends up failing. who'd want that? ]
You still have to keep that schedule even if you'd want to go to bed earlier? That's dumb.
[ he frowns even more at the way Sizhui is clutching at his chest, breath momentarily sharp and ragged (Sizhui wtf?) because from an outside point of view it kind of looks concerning. but Sizhui would say if he felt bad, wouldn't he? wouldn't he? suddenly he's unsure what to do because somehow it looks like the other Junior is half dying in his bed and that's not quite the feeling he wanted washing over him.
but it doesn't stop Jin Ling from getting up again, concern flickering over his face as he takes a hesitant step towards the bed. ]
[one has to make mistakes to learn from them, is an oddly appropriate thing in that sense. nevertheless, lan sizhui understands, given some of his own more reserved, taciturn affection. what he received, he still took and made his own; he's politely affectionate with his friends, yet hasn't considered or had the courage to act on anything else.
until jin ling, that is, and lying here in his private quarters – in his bed (because yes, it's still on his mind!) – he's starting to wonder how long he'll continue keeping quiet tonight.
it is kind of dumb when he thinks: if sizhui wanted to, he could very well retire to his room for sleep at whatever time after dinner and surely no one would question it. the problem with that is there's usually so much else to do, he doesn't have time to waste on sleeping early whenever he could practice guqin, read or visit the rabbits and lil apple in the back mountain! or worry his best friend far more than he ever should by fibbing his way through a little (harmless) white lie.]
It's okay, I just. Moved too quickly earlier in the day and twisted something.
[goodness, he's playing it up well, pushing his fingertips into his sternum and even lifting his other hand to dismissively wave. do you know what else pain is a good excuse for, though? getting someone to move closer.] Probably a contusion of some sort.
[ he comes to a stop a foot from the bed, hovering while trying to make it look like he isn't. he's still not sure what to do with the weird somersaults his heart is making at seeing Sizhui sprawled out on his bed, so he tries to push that back in favour of trying to speak with a relatively calm voice. (everything is relative). maybe he's having a slight panic attack... that would explain the heart palpitations, and it's not like it'd be the first time it's happened.
though it's different, tight and kind of fluttery in his chest and wow he takes a quiet breath. ]
Twisted something? You? You're not an old man, how can you— actually forget that. Just... do you need anything?
[ and wow, don't tell anyone you lied, Lan Sizhui. that's so brazen, breaking a sect rule like that. not that Jin Ling would care, he'd rather just be surprised that it'd be you and not Jingyi who'd dare to fib. isn't that like the most known Lan rule there is? ]
[ah... it's just out of arms reach that he moves and he didn't want to have to move since he is still a bit lightheaded, but jin ling asking if he needs anything is a terrific open-ended offer. don't worry, he won't tell anyone he lied (except for his friend later, technically) and so long as it stays between them, what's the harm? besides, what sizhui's about to do will be far more questionable than him simply breaking lan clan's rule of ‘no telling lies.’
if the lying would've been considered bold and shameless, god only knows what his next move can be called.]
Jin Ling, [comes through an exasperated, albeit fond-sounding sigh then sizhui rolls, stretches an arm out and cinches his fingers around the other boy's wrist.] I need you to sit down and do some deep-breathing with me.
[come now, jin ling, where else did he learn such a terrible habit? jingyi's good at breaking (or ‘bending,’ as their friend would insist) the rules, so best to learn from a master and know exactly how to word things proper-like for a convincing lie. let's not get into the way it'll help him bluff his way through the next remark, either.] Because if you worry any harder, you'll fall through the floor.
[ he blinks at the grab, confused for a split second, eyes darting to the hold Sizhui has on his wrist and then back to his face, mouth opening to protest, heart hammering in his chest. it's officially hard to breathe, what the fuck. ]
What? I...
[ oh. of course Sizhui would notice his anxiety. if that's what it is, leastwise. he's not sure right now, but it does feel like it. he quickly tries to school his face into a put off face that honestly looks more like a pout. ] ... fine. If that's what you need. [ and it only takes him a moment to simply comply, take one more step and just sit down with a huff, crossing his arms and looking away. ]
I don't need to breathe, I'm fine. I'm not worried.
[while jin ling can protest not being anxious all he likes, holding onto his arm the way he is, sizhui can feel how his pulse races underneath his fingers. but hey, it was worth a try though, right? an a for effort and all that.
he levels his friend with a look, daring him to argue, although there isn't much actual heat behind it, so it's more like a halfhearted smolder if anything.
not like it matters when jin ling decides he'll actually accept his fate and sit down on the bed, a gesture which has sizhui's expression momentarily overcome with bafflement – he didn't think that would work! – but he does his best attempt at quelling the surprise. it helps somewhat that he can't resist smiling after jin ling pouts, crosses his arms and looks away, his own head shaking faintly, the hand withdrawing to lace together with the other one, both of them draped across his midsection again.]
Your energy says otherwise. [a beat] Now, lie down.
and wow, he can be accommodating sometimes, it's not that rare! (okay maybe it is, but he'd like to think he's gotten better at this in recent years.)
he's looking away so he doesn't catch the way Sizhui smiles at him, sadly, though he slumps his shoulders, almost a little disappointed the moment Sizhui lets go and Jin Ling, what in the world is that supposed to mean?? he still has a headache, thinking about this is not making it better, though despite his heart dancing irregularly in his chest, he feels somewhat calmer this close to his friend and it's a weird combination of feelings.
he's about to scoff at the other when the "lie down" almost sounds like an order in Sizhui's smooth voice, that somehow elicits a shiver down his spine and woah wait. he goes still for just a fraction of a second before he flops back onto the bed to get rid of that feeling, not because Sizhui said so absolutely not. he's pretty sure his other option would have included getting up and fleeing out the door instead.
he carefully keeps his eyes on the ceiling, and it takes a few swallows before he even replies. ]
[alright, alright, he won't do it again! (but at least he was polite enough to keep it to himself instead of mentioning aloud how worrisome that heart-rate is.)
also: yes, jin ling's gotten much better at being accommodating over the years.
something he shouldn't worry about, however, is sizhui letting his arm go for now because at some point, he'll be taking hold of it again. except the next time he does, it won't just be his wrist and jin ling might actually have an aneurysm or a heart-attack at the idea of hand-holding. he has to admit, the fact his friend willingly lies down beside him without much fuss is almost heart-stopping.
the hesitation before it is what sizhui's curiosity lingers on, though. he keeps his attention focused upward for now, waiting until jin ling has settled next to him, striving as hard as he can to ignore the rapid th-th-thump of his own heartbeat and the dull, achy throb in his wrists. it's good jin ling hasn't fled since that'd mean sizhui would give chase which, ten to one, isn't smart when he's already lightheaded. despite how it feels like the air has been sucked straight from his lungs, he still manages,] Your qi, [he sighs softly.] It's disturbed, I can feel it. How can you not?
[and if he can't, then is he feeling his own nervousness? is he the one about to vibrate out of his skin? (the answer is: probably both.)]
[ to be honest, he should herd Sizhui to the guest room opposite his own, for propriety's sake. servants and disciples have probably seen the other enter his quarters but not leaving yet, but Jin Ling doesn't really want to move, and... he'd like Sizhui to stay around a little bit longer. surely he can help him to the guest room later when he's about to fall asleep. right?
he doesn't want to think too hard on the fact that he wants to stay just like this, beside Sizhui, feeling the slight heat coming off the other from the close proximity and he suppresses another shiver. Jin Ling, what's wrong with you today? his heart is still beating a mile a minute and he's got no way to calm it down.
he's never really had a way to deal with his bouts of anxiety before he met his current group of friends. Jiujiu is a mass of vibrating anxiety and anger and is no real help there, and his other uncle... he was never really there in that capacity. he breathes out and just shakes his head silently when he's straying too far into that topic in his head. it's too much still to think about, even if it's been a few years now.
it's with a start he realizes that Sizhu's kept talking even as Jin Ling's gotten lost in his own head on five different topics and he takes a short breath, barely registers "qi" and "disturbed" and groans silently. yeah, he knows. ]
Of course I can feel it. I'm just tired, I think. Thinking.
[ can you qi deviate from overblown anxiety? he doesn't know and he'd not want to find out, really. he's heard stories and it's not pretty. it's anxiety, for sure. the way he feels lightheaded and poised for flight, but there's something else mingled into it that's nervous anticipation and it makes for a strange combination. and his head still hurts. he doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes, but frowns a little as the pain settles somewhere between his eyes. goddamnit, this is no time for you to be dramatic, Jin Ling. you have a guest, who for all intents and purposes is tired and needs rest. he immediately abolishes all thoughts of going crazy from his own panic from his mind and finally forces his body to shift and glances over at Sizhui. ]
[sizhui won't fall asleep in jin ling's bed, he won't because gods, what would anyone think if they saw him leaving the sect leader's personal room in the morning rather than the guest quarters? the longer he considers it, the redder his cheeks get and eventually, he's reaching to scrub his fingertips over his face, clearing his throat then resting one arm between them, the other resting across his heart.
perhaps doing that wasn't the best idea, it'll only put him within closer proximity and poor jin ling already seems flustered with how close they are. (he is too, let's be real!) but sizhui's always done his best to handle his emotions rather than the other way around; so, maybe he doesn't have an exact solution that will help jin ling's ever-growing anxiety, he does have a technique he's used himself he can offer. just because it's helped him doesn't mean it will help his friend, but where's the harm in trying?
silent or not, attention focused elsewhere even, he can feel jin ling's displeasure. all he offers is the most fleeting glance then his attention's back on the ceiling, lips softly pursed, total silence.
he inhales, measured and sustained, contemplating jin ling's words. overthinking, he wants to correct, though he holds his tongue, absently drums his digits against his sternum while doing some thinking of his own. every single week, he's noticed he questions his feelings for jin ling at least once a day; what they mean, how much better it'd feel blurting it all out and getting everything on the table. except when he remembers what it means, the repercussions that come with admitting those feelings while the chance of them being vehemently denied hangs in the balance— oh, but what if they're reciprocated of all things? this whole damn time, sizhui's attention remains unfalteringly upward, right until the other male turns toward him.
he slowly casts him a glance, flutters half-lidded eyes, draws the arm between them up then says,] Give me your hand, Jin Ling.
[before it's even asked: no will not be an acceptable answer and, just for emphasis, sizhui wiggles his fingers, somehow making an almost enthusiastic gesture look patient without hardly trying.]
[ to be honest, if that actually did happen, Jin Ling would glare at people, but even as a sect leader he can't control the flow of gossip. not that there would be anything to gossip about. they're friends, so honestly there shouldn't even be a problem. but this isn't some inn where people can share a bed for lack of space. it's the Carp Tower. there's no reason for him to keep Sizhui in his room for anything else than a friendly chat before sleep.
he doesn't want to feel the anxiousness, so he shifts to cross his arms over his chest, even as he's laying down, feeling defensive without reason and purses his lips. gods he's not fifteen anymore, he's almost of age, responsible for a whole sect on his own!
his mind is going a mile per minute and he mostly just feels jittery with the proximity and he wants to do something but he doesn't know what. or he'd prefer not to admit to himself that he'd like to press closer to Sizhui, enjoy the warmth radiating from the other young man and the thought makes his heart lurch into his throat. no. he's not going to blurt out something he'll regret saying, or something that'll ruin the friendship between them. sure, he's gotten better over the years, but he's still bad at friendship as a standard, still at loss sometimes and still afraid he'll somehow lose it.
so he doesn't act on it. doesn't think on it, or even admit to himself the feelings he's trying hard to squash. besides, it's not like Sizhu's interested in that way, so it's a bad idea, overall. he doesn't have the mental fortitude to figure it out, not without making an ass out of himself as a bonus. frankly, it's a miracle Sizhui is still his friend. but Jin Ling isn't going to complain. it's... the first friend he ever made, and he'd go through hell fire to keep it, if he could. no matter what he says outloud.
he's so lost in thought again that when Sizhui speaks up he almost starts and looks back at the other, eyes wide. his hand? what? again, it's probably not on purpose, but Jin Ling feels more acutely tune to the sound of his voice and did it have that timber before? either way it strikes something in his chest and he swallows a little. what's wrong with him tonight? ]
What? Why?
[ even as he asks, he slowly unfurls one hand from his chest and hold it out, albeit a little hesitantly. ]
[nobody can stop gossip, not even a sect leader, but it's a nice thought. one that wouldn't even initially cross sizhui's mind because yes, they're friends, it shouldn't be odd to see them together or to catch the lan disciple leaving jin ling's room— but when it's almost certainly nearing bedtime? well... that's a bit more questionable. his friend already has enough problems, so why is he giving reason to cause further complications?
(for a reason he's not ready to admit yet, although the longer they lay, the more he considers.)
sizhui is doing everything within his power to ignore the fact his own heartbeat is jackhammering uncontrollably; if he brings attention to it, that only makes the problem worse, so focusing on steadying the in and out of his breathing proves more difficult than he'd planned, but it's good in the sense he's still effectively distracted with making it seem like he is calmer than he'd admit. while it hasn't ever been said aloud (not with proper words), he cherishes jin ling's friendship and if he didn't, would he let his friend's harsh words roll off his back like water? or know all too well that jin ling wouldn't know what to do with actual affection if it slapped him in the face? which isn't an insult or anything, sizhui's just aware both jiang cheng and jin guangyao weren't (and aren't) the most affectionate sort of guardians.
oh, if only both of them knew the actuality of the situation. it'd be so much easier to learn jin ling shares the same feelings as he does since then it would end up being a simpler hey, i like you like that! rather than... whatever it is they seem to be doing right now. dancing around the subject has never been his strong suit but for jin ling's sake, maybe it's better he isn't springing this on him while he's least expecting.
“what? why?” he doesn't answer either question, just gently takes jin ling's hand into his own, guides it over and flattens both their hands across the spot below his chest.] Do you feel it? [is the soft query as he inhales through his nose, lets his belly fill with air, holds a few seconds then exhales in the same manner, slow and measured.]
Close your eyes, focus on the way our hands go up and down. Put your other hand on your own abdomen and feel the way it moves. And then do it again.
[ he'd like to think he at least has that kind of control, can at least dissuade people from spreading misinformation before it gets out of hand. does he want it to get out of hand? with Sizhui, not the rumors. he mentally smacks himself the moment that thought even enters his mind because what the fuck Jin Ling you can't just think like this about your best friend. it's...
yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
[goodness, jin ling, what would people think if they knew? not that they will, considering who sizhui is and how he wouldn't let such things get out of hand— the rumors, of course, because if things got out of hand with them... well, that's something he'd make certain wouldn't leave this bedroom.
but considering such things certainly isn't necessary when they're just friends. friends can lay in bed beside each other, one can help the other calm down from a possible (likely oncoming) anxiety attack and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing off about it.
...right?
hold it together a little longer, he pleads with himself, breath somehow still steady, sustained. jin ling's hand is a warm, solid weight against his abdomen, one he's desperately trying not to get distracted by as he must maintain composure for this breathing exercise (and for the sheer fact that if he slips, jin ling will notice, which might bring on an unwanted onslaught of questions). admittedly though, he is enjoying the way it feels, their hands following the slow in-out of his breathing. whether it's instinctual or not, sizhui's fingertips gently settle into the slight dips between jin ling's fingers, although he doesn't entwine their hands. that very well might've been over the line, so better safe than sorry.
oh no, he noticed anyway, didn't he? unfortunate as it is, jin ling's tactful enough to not question him, just hushes, does what he's told and the lan disciple couldn't be more appreciative in that moment. once jin ling's got his other hand settled, he swallows thickly, presses his lips tight, hearing honed in on the momentary stutter of his breathing.]
Keep breathing, [he encourages, soft and leveled, unoccupied hand lifting to rest across their hands. please, don't let go.] ...you're doing good, okay? Just a few more.
[ let them talk. he'd ream them another one if they started spreading rumors. just look at his Dajiu and Hanguang-jun. if they can do— no, his brain is not going down that road. the point of the matter is... it's none of their business anyway. the heat simmering in his gut feels odd in contrast to his anxiety and he swallows, even as he does his best to take deep breaths as per Sizhui's instructions.
if... if he liked Sizhui, and he's not saying he does, (but you do says a small voice in his ear), but if he did... he wouldn't let some petty gossip spreaders get in the way.
the more he thinks about it, with his eyes closed, breathing in tandem with his companion, the more he can't get it out of his head. the proximity, the heat... the feeling that he kind of wants to kiss him and he suddenly blinks his eyes open wide. what? he wants to. oh.
ow.
he shifts to turn his head slightly to watch Sizhui's face, swallowing down a lump in his throat. oh. he opens his mouth to reply, but struggles to find his voice until something cracks and he can speak. ]
What... what about you? Your heart is beating really fast.
[people will always talk, gossip will continue spreading; it's a vicious circle, but one that can sometimes be handled by simply not acknowledging it exists. at some point, they'll find a new topic to tittle-tattle about and the talk of lan sizhui leaving jin ling's room at inappropriate hours of the night will be yesterday's news. maybe – just maybe – sizhui wouldn't have too many complaints if they talked anyway, though.
there's nothing to fuss about at the moment either because there isn't anything going on between them, no matter how much he may wish there was.
(no, wait, he didn't actually think that, did he? he sure did.)
he flutters his eyelashes, tries to ignore the warmth spreading throughout his chest, up his neck and into his cheeks, which are likely pinkening the longer he lays there. thank goodness, whenever jin ling looks his way, his eyes are shut, every ounce of leftover focus he has being put into not being nearly as obviously embarrassed as he feels.
at the sound of his friend's voice, sizhui's eyes flutter open, blink once and then a second time before he finally turns to face him. he's well-aware how fast his heartrate is, how quickly it picks up when he realizes how close they are, and yet he dares to say:] Ah... is it? [and before he continues, sizhui lifts their hands for whatever excuse he'll have, although he's making certain jin ling won't feel the steady increase of his pulse.]
[ Jin Ling can't get the feeling out of his chest, can't make his own heart stop thumping against his ribcage, and now that realization has dawned on him he doesn't know what to do.
so he latches onto the next best thing. which happens to be sitting up half-way and trying to move his hand back to Sizhui's chest to feel for his pulse. it's worrying? of course it is, and he care so much, it's such an unbelievable pressure and he doesn't understand why he didn't realize this sooner. this crushing feeling he can't get out of his head.
because it is crushing, because he knows Sizhui doesn't feel the same. ]
What do you mean focused? Focused on making your heart beat like that? Are you okay?
[ as if your own heart isn't beating a mile per minute, Jin Ling. ]
[this... isn't how he expected their deep-belly breathing to go. spiraling further out of control is the opposite direction they should be going, but it seems like the course the path has taken for now. comparing it to a derailed train seems excessive almost, except it's the only thing he has, and the fact jin ling attempts reaching to put his hand back onto his chest certainly won't help matters any.]
Jin Ling, [sizhui murmurs, firm yet also still lacking actual heat behind the complaint. meanwhile, he does attempt stopping him, moves his unoccupied arm and tries catching his friend's wrist before he can actually feel for his unsteady pulse. funnily enough though, there isn't much oomph behind that, either.]
No, focused on making sure yours doesn't beat like that. [he sighs a breathy laugh.] And I'm fine, alright? Don't worry so much about me.
[exactly why sizhui didn't want to draw further attention to his own rapid heartbeat.]
[ when Sizhui tries to keep his hand away, fighting him, it hurts a little, as if the other doesn't trust him. Jin Ling pulls his hand back, reluctantly, though his eyes narrow. ]
You can't tell me I can't worry about you if you worry about me. That's not how it works, Sizhui.
[ his heart isn't beating any less quickly, now a mingle of his own racing feelings and the panic lacing itself through them. but he can manage it, it's not the first time he's felt this way. Sizhui however, calm, collected Sizhui shouldn't have to feel this way, and he feels bad because it's as if he's at fault for putting it there, somehow. ]
I'll worry. Because you're important to me.
[ it slips out before he can think too much about it. ]
[seeing jin ling's expression crease is already more than enough to make sizhui feel guilty, but the remark following it really seals the deal. he opens his mouth, preparing some pinched, steely answer that dies on his tongue; it tastes bitter and unforgiving because jin ling's right, it isn't fair of him to do that.
he withdraws his arm, settles the elbow between them, lets the hand splay across his ribs right over his heart. still going a million miles a minute, but he focuses on it and rewords his thoughts into something more proper before speaking.]
You— you're important to me, too. [sizhui's admittance comes easier since jin ling's said it first, but what follows is a bit more difficult to say,] Whenever I'm around you, my heart... I can't control it.
Like there's a storm raging in my chest, is the only way I can explain how it feels.
[ he's about to speak more, but he goes entirely quiet as Sizhui speaks up, swallowing lightly the more words he hears. he also feels his face go up in flames, doesn't know what to do with this information suddenly thrown at him. information he's dreamed of hearing for a while and now— what?
he opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, hands coming up and halting mid-air, eyes wide. ]
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houseofsushi2020-05-22 10:34 pm
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maybe the headache is really just messing with him, this anxiousness really only the nausea he's left with since last night, surely that's it, and he tries to swallow the way his heart is trying to climb into his throat because it's definitely not comfortable.
it takes a few more moments before he's effectively made a bigger mess of his table and he just abandons that in favour of glancing up at his companion, in time to meet his eyes. his cheeks flush without his consent because who allowed Sizhui to look like that, picture perfect and cute even when he's tired and wow okay. no.
screech and halt, wow. stop, brain. he purses his lips and quickly looks down, reaches up to brush the flush of his cheeks but instead leans his forehead against his fingers. ]
No, it's... [ what? why did he bring up Jingyi anyway, just to fill the silence? ] Thank you, Sizhui.
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now hold on, that may not be the proper word! it's definitely the right one, no doubt about that, you just don't want to admit that because what if he doesn't feel the same way?
well, at least the other boy won't need to feel too self-conscious since sizhui is quite certain his cheeks are abruptly pink despite doing everything within his power to will the blush away. jin ling breaks eye-contact first and his own gaze lowers, both hands raising then dropping atop his thighs with a soft, yet still audible smack.]
We're friends, Jin Ling. It's the least I could do and I know you'd do the same. [or in his own sort of way? also, here's hoping jin ling won't mind if he just. slowly lets himself tumble backward across his bed like it's no big deal. easily the worst idea when he's already lightheaded but being laid down means he's stabilized, that he can close his eyes while doing some slow diaphragm-based breathing and trying to gather his bearings.]
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Sizhui is just kind, that's his default state of being. he's always been kind to his friends, he'd do the same for Jingyi or Zizhen, or any other person, really. him coming over to you this close to the night isn't special, Jin Ling, get a grip.
he doesn't jump at the smack, but he does look back up, brows furrowing a little. ah... yes, there's the confirmation of Sizhui's pure and respectable kindness. that's all there is, friendly kindness. he mentally smacks himself and decides to stuff any other potential feeling he is (absolutely not!) having in a box, lock it with fifty padlocks and bury it so far back into his mind he won't find it again. surely that's the safest way to do it.
...so why does his cheeks still heat a little as Sizhui makes his bed a resting place. Jin Ling doesn't mind, but now he's also rooted to the spot, because Sizhui is on his bed, laying down. this shouldn't even be an issue. this is what friends do... right? it's normal. he clears his throat, feeling it twinge a little with uncomfortable tightness and tries to relax his shoulders. ]
Of course I would. Because we're friends. ... do you need to sleep? You should sleep.
[ the words are out his mouth before he can stop them and he's not going to take them back now. ]
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he's kind and would do the same thing for them, but he did this for jin ling because— because why? if he'd do the same for his other friends, what makes visiting jin ling tonight different? he doesn't honestly have an answer.
the next breath he inhales is a little sharper than he means, though it's alright. sizhui simply holds it, loosens his hands where he'd crossed them over his stomach and reaches with the left one to clutch his ribs like he might sincerely have an injury of some sort. he doesn't, it's just an excuse for why he sounded that way. “do not tell lies,” and “abstain from anything that feels wrong,” both dart across his thoughts at the same time. it won't totally be a lie.
sizhui's face hasn't gotten any less redder, by the way! in fact, after having laid himself out, his cheeks are heating with the realization that one: he's lying in jin ling's bed, and two: jin ling seems okay with this, even takes it a step further by asking if he should sleep then correcting himself and saying more intently.]
It isn't nine yet.
Besides, Jin Ling, [except he hesitates, mouth going impossibly dry, a lump forming in his throat soon after. you can't say that, you can't— the hand on his side skims to his chest, presses while he swallows, tongue darting over his lips before he breathlessly murmurs,] You should, too.
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You still have to keep that schedule even if you'd want to go to bed earlier? That's dumb.
[ he frowns even more at the way Sizhui is clutching at his chest, breath momentarily sharp and ragged (Sizhui wtf?) because from an outside point of view it kind of looks concerning. but Sizhui would say if he felt bad, wouldn't he? wouldn't he? suddenly he's unsure what to do because somehow it looks like the other Junior is half dying in his bed and that's not quite the feeling he wanted washing over him.
but it doesn't stop Jin Ling from getting up again, concern flickering over his face as he takes a hesitant step towards the bed. ]
Ah... h-hey— what's wrong? Are you hurt?
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until jin ling, that is, and lying here in his private quarters – in his bed (because yes, it's still on his mind!) – he's starting to wonder how long he'll continue keeping quiet tonight.
it is kind of dumb when he thinks: if sizhui wanted to, he could very well retire to his room for sleep at whatever time after dinner and surely no one would question it. the problem with that is there's usually so much else to do, he doesn't have time to waste on sleeping early whenever he could practice guqin, read or visit the rabbits and lil apple in the back mountain! or worry his best friend far more than he ever should by fibbing his way through a little (harmless) white lie.]
It's okay, I just. Moved too quickly earlier in the day and twisted something.
[goodness, he's playing it up well, pushing his fingertips into his sternum and even lifting his other hand to dismissively wave. do you know what else pain is a good excuse for, though? getting someone to move closer.] Probably a contusion of some sort.
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though it's different, tight and kind of fluttery in his chest and wow he takes a quiet breath. ]
Twisted something? You? You're not an old man, how can you— actually forget that. Just... do you need anything?
[ and wow, don't tell anyone you lied, Lan Sizhui. that's so brazen, breaking a sect rule like that. not that Jin Ling would care, he'd rather just be surprised that it'd be you and not Jingyi who'd dare to fib. isn't that like the most known Lan rule there is? ]
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if the lying would've been considered bold and shameless, god only knows what his next move can be called.]
Jin Ling, [comes through an exasperated, albeit fond-sounding sigh then sizhui rolls, stretches an arm out and cinches his fingers around the other boy's wrist.] I need you to sit down and do some deep-breathing with me.
[come now, jin ling, where else did he learn such a terrible habit? jingyi's good at breaking (or ‘bending,’ as their friend would insist) the rules, so best to learn from a master and know exactly how to word things proper-like for a convincing lie. let's not get into the way it'll help him bluff his way through the next remark, either.] Because if you worry any harder, you'll fall through the floor.
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What? I...
[ oh. of course Sizhui would notice his anxiety. if that's what it is, leastwise. he's not sure right now, but it does feel like it. he quickly tries to school his face into a put off face that honestly looks more like a pout. ] ... fine. If that's what you need. [ and it only takes him a moment to simply comply, take one more step and just sit down with a huff, crossing his arms and looking away. ]
I don't need to breathe, I'm fine. I'm not worried.
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he levels his friend with a look, daring him to argue, although there isn't much actual heat behind it, so it's more like a halfhearted smolder if anything.
not like it matters when jin ling decides he'll actually accept his fate and sit down on the bed, a gesture which has sizhui's expression momentarily overcome with bafflement – he didn't think that would work! – but he does his best attempt at quelling the surprise. it helps somewhat that he can't resist smiling after jin ling pouts, crosses his arms and looks away, his own head shaking faintly, the hand withdrawing to lace together with the other one, both of them draped across his midsection again.]
Your energy says otherwise. [a beat] Now, lie down.
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and wow, he can be accommodating sometimes, it's not that rare! (okay maybe it is, but he'd like to think he's gotten better at this in recent years.)
he's looking away so he doesn't catch the way Sizhui smiles at him, sadly, though he slumps his shoulders, almost a little disappointed the moment Sizhui lets go and Jin Ling, what in the world is that supposed to mean?? he still has a headache, thinking about this is not making it better, though despite his heart dancing irregularly in his chest, he feels somewhat calmer this close to his friend and it's a weird combination of feelings.
he's about to scoff at the other when the "lie down" almost sounds like an order in Sizhui's smooth voice, that somehow elicits a shiver down his spine and woah wait. he goes still for just a fraction of a second before he flops back onto the bed to get rid of that feeling, not because Sizhui said so absolutely not. he's pretty sure his other option would have included getting up and fleeing out the door instead.
he carefully keeps his eyes on the ceiling, and it takes a few swallows before he even replies. ]
What do you mean my energy?
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also: yes, jin ling's gotten much better at being accommodating over the years.
something he shouldn't worry about, however, is sizhui letting his arm go for now because at some point, he'll be taking hold of it again. except the next time he does, it won't just be his wrist and jin ling might actually have an aneurysm or a heart-attack at the idea of hand-holding. he has to admit, the fact his friend willingly lies down beside him without much fuss is almost heart-stopping.
the hesitation before it is what sizhui's curiosity lingers on, though. he keeps his attention focused upward for now, waiting until jin ling has settled next to him, striving as hard as he can to ignore the rapid th-th-thump of his own heartbeat and the dull, achy throb in his wrists. it's good jin ling hasn't fled since that'd mean sizhui would give chase which, ten to one, isn't smart when he's already lightheaded. despite how it feels like the air has been sucked straight from his lungs, he still manages,] Your qi, [he sighs softly.] It's disturbed, I can feel it. How can you not?
[and if he can't, then is he feeling his own nervousness? is he the one about to vibrate out of his skin? (the answer is: probably both.)]
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he doesn't want to think too hard on the fact that he wants to stay just like this, beside Sizhui, feeling the slight heat coming off the other from the close proximity and he suppresses another shiver. Jin Ling, what's wrong with you today? his heart is still beating a mile a minute and he's got no way to calm it down.
he's never really had a way to deal with his bouts of anxiety before he met his current group of friends. Jiujiu is a mass of vibrating anxiety and anger and is no real help there, and his other uncle... he was never really there in that capacity. he breathes out and just shakes his head silently when he's straying too far into that topic in his head. it's too much still to think about, even if it's been a few years now.
it's with a start he realizes that Sizhu's kept talking even as Jin Ling's gotten lost in his own head on five different topics and he takes a short breath, barely registers "qi" and "disturbed" and groans silently. yeah, he knows. ]
Of course I can feel it. I'm just tired, I think. Thinking.
[ can you qi deviate from overblown anxiety? he doesn't know and he'd not want to find out, really. he's heard stories and it's not pretty. it's anxiety, for sure. the way he feels lightheaded and poised for flight, but there's something else mingled into it that's nervous anticipation and it makes for a strange combination. and his head still hurts. he doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes, but frowns a little as the pain settles somewhere between his eyes. goddamnit, this is no time for you to be dramatic, Jin Ling. you have a guest, who for all intents and purposes is tired and needs rest. he immediately abolishes all thoughts of going crazy from his own panic from his mind and finally forces his body to shift and glances over at Sizhui. ]
Nevermind me, you should sleep.
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perhaps doing that wasn't the best idea, it'll only put him within closer proximity and poor jin ling already seems flustered with how close they are. (he is too, let's be real!) but sizhui's always done his best to handle his emotions rather than the other way around; so, maybe he doesn't have an exact solution that will help jin ling's ever-growing anxiety, he does have a technique he's used himself he can offer. just because it's helped him doesn't mean it will help his friend, but where's the harm in trying?
silent or not, attention focused elsewhere even, he can feel jin ling's displeasure. all he offers is the most fleeting glance then his attention's back on the ceiling, lips softly pursed, total silence.
he inhales, measured and sustained, contemplating jin ling's words. overthinking, he wants to correct, though he holds his tongue, absently drums his digits against his sternum while doing some thinking of his own. every single week, he's noticed he questions his feelings for jin ling at least once a day; what they mean, how much better it'd feel blurting it all out and getting everything on the table. except when he remembers what it means, the repercussions that come with admitting those feelings while the chance of them being vehemently denied hangs in the balance— oh, but what if they're reciprocated of all things? this whole damn time, sizhui's attention remains unfalteringly upward, right until the other male turns toward him.
he slowly casts him a glance, flutters half-lidded eyes, draws the arm between them up then says,] Give me your hand, Jin Ling.
[before it's even asked: no will not be an acceptable answer and, just for emphasis, sizhui wiggles his fingers, somehow making an almost enthusiastic gesture look patient without hardly trying.]
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he doesn't want to feel the anxiousness, so he shifts to cross his arms over his chest, even as he's laying down, feeling defensive without reason and purses his lips. gods he's not fifteen anymore, he's almost of age, responsible for a whole sect on his own!
his mind is going a mile per minute and he mostly just feels jittery with the proximity and he wants to do something but he doesn't know what. or he'd prefer not to admit to himself that he'd like to press closer to Sizhui, enjoy the warmth radiating from the other young man and the thought makes his heart lurch into his throat. no. he's not going to blurt out something he'll regret saying, or something that'll ruin the friendship between them. sure, he's gotten better over the years, but he's still bad at friendship as a standard, still at loss sometimes and still afraid he'll somehow lose it.
so he doesn't act on it. doesn't think on it, or even admit to himself the feelings he's trying hard to squash. besides, it's not like Sizhu's interested in that way, so it's a bad idea, overall. he doesn't have the mental fortitude to figure it out, not without making an ass out of himself as a bonus. frankly, it's a miracle Sizhui is still his friend. but Jin Ling isn't going to complain. it's... the first friend he ever made, and he'd go through hell fire to keep it, if he could. no matter what he says outloud.
he's so lost in thought again that when Sizhui speaks up he almost starts and looks back at the other, eyes wide. his hand? what? again, it's probably not on purpose, but Jin Ling feels more acutely tune to the sound of his voice and did it have that timber before? either way it strikes something in his chest and he swallows a little. what's wrong with him tonight? ]
What? Why?
[ even as he asks, he slowly unfurls one hand from his chest and hold it out, albeit a little hesitantly. ]
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(for a reason he's not ready to admit yet, although the longer they lay, the more he considers.)
sizhui is doing everything within his power to ignore the fact his own heartbeat is jackhammering uncontrollably; if he brings attention to it, that only makes the problem worse, so focusing on steadying the in and out of his breathing proves more difficult than he'd planned, but it's good in the sense he's still effectively distracted with making it seem like he is calmer than he'd admit. while it hasn't ever been said aloud (not with proper words), he cherishes jin ling's friendship and if he didn't, would he let his friend's harsh words roll off his back like water? or know all too well that jin ling wouldn't know what to do with actual affection if it slapped him in the face? which isn't an insult or anything, sizhui's just aware both jiang cheng and jin guangyao weren't (and aren't) the most affectionate sort of guardians.
oh, if only both of them knew the actuality of the situation. it'd be so much easier to learn jin ling shares the same feelings as he does since then it would end up being a simpler hey, i like you like that! rather than... whatever it is they seem to be doing right now. dancing around the subject has never been his strong suit but for jin ling's sake, maybe it's better he isn't springing this on him while he's least expecting.
“what? why?” he doesn't answer either question, just gently takes jin ling's hand into his own, guides it over and flattens both their hands across the spot below his chest.] Do you feel it? [is the soft query as he inhales through his nose, lets his belly fill with air, holds a few seconds then exhales in the same manner, slow and measured.]
Close your eyes, focus on the way our hands go up and down. Put your other hand on your own abdomen and feel the way it moves. And then do it again.
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yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
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but considering such things certainly isn't necessary when they're just friends. friends can lay in bed beside each other, one can help the other calm down from a possible (likely oncoming) anxiety attack and there's nothing wrong with that, nothing off about it.
...right?
hold it together a little longer, he pleads with himself, breath somehow still steady, sustained. jin ling's hand is a warm, solid weight against his abdomen, one he's desperately trying not to get distracted by as he must maintain composure for this breathing exercise (and for the sheer fact that if he slips, jin ling will notice, which might bring on an unwanted onslaught of questions). admittedly though, he is enjoying the way it feels, their hands following the slow in-out of his breathing. whether it's instinctual or not, sizhui's fingertips gently settle into the slight dips between jin ling's fingers, although he doesn't entwine their hands. that very well might've been over the line, so better safe than sorry.
oh no, he noticed anyway, didn't he? unfortunate as it is, jin ling's tactful enough to not question him, just hushes, does what he's told and the lan disciple couldn't be more appreciative in that moment. once jin ling's got his other hand settled, he swallows thickly, presses his lips tight, hearing honed in on the momentary stutter of his breathing.]
Keep breathing, [he encourages, soft and leveled, unoccupied hand lifting to rest across their hands. please, don't let go.] ...you're doing good, okay? Just a few more.
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if... if he liked Sizhui, and he's not saying he does, (but you do says a small voice in his ear), but if he did... he wouldn't let some petty gossip spreaders get in the way.
the more he thinks about it, with his eyes closed, breathing in tandem with his companion, the more he can't get it out of his head. the proximity, the heat... the feeling that he kind of wants to kiss him and he suddenly blinks his eyes open wide. what? he wants to. oh.
ow.
he shifts to turn his head slightly to watch Sizhui's face, swallowing down a lump in his throat. oh. he opens his mouth to reply, but struggles to find his voice until something cracks and he can speak. ]
What... what about you? Your heart is beating really fast.
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there's nothing to fuss about at the moment either because there isn't anything going on between them, no matter how much he may wish there was.
(no, wait, he didn't actually think that, did he? he sure did.)
he flutters his eyelashes, tries to ignore the warmth spreading throughout his chest, up his neck and into his cheeks, which are likely pinkening the longer he lays there. thank goodness, whenever jin ling looks his way, his eyes are shut, every ounce of leftover focus he has being put into not being nearly as obviously embarrassed as he feels.
at the sound of his friend's voice, sizhui's eyes flutter open, blink once and then a second time before he finally turns to face him. he's well-aware how fast his heartrate is, how quickly it picks up when he realizes how close they are, and yet he dares to say:] Ah... is it? [and before he continues, sizhui lifts their hands for whatever excuse he'll have, although he's making certain jin ling won't feel the steady increase of his pulse.]
I suppose I was too focused, I didn't notice.
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so he latches onto the next best thing. which happens to be sitting up half-way and trying to move his hand back to Sizhui's chest to feel for his pulse. it's worrying? of course it is, and he care so much, it's such an unbelievable pressure and he doesn't understand why he didn't realize this sooner. this crushing feeling he can't get out of his head.
because it is crushing, because he knows Sizhui doesn't feel the same. ]
What do you mean focused? Focused on making your heart beat like that? Are you okay?
[ as if your own heart isn't beating a mile per minute, Jin Ling. ]
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Jin Ling, [sizhui murmurs, firm yet also still lacking actual heat behind the complaint. meanwhile, he does attempt stopping him, moves his unoccupied arm and tries catching his friend's wrist before he can actually feel for his unsteady pulse. funnily enough though, there isn't much oomph behind that, either.]
No, focused on making sure yours doesn't beat like that. [he sighs a breathy laugh.] And I'm fine, alright? Don't worry so much about me.
[exactly why sizhui didn't want to draw further attention to his own rapid heartbeat.]
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You can't tell me I can't worry about you if you worry about me. That's not how it works, Sizhui.
[ his heart isn't beating any less quickly, now a mingle of his own racing feelings and the panic lacing itself through them. but he can manage it, it's not the first time he's felt this way. Sizhui however, calm, collected Sizhui shouldn't have to feel this way, and he feels bad because it's as if he's at fault for putting it there, somehow. ]
I'll worry. Because you're important to me.
[ it slips out before he can think too much about it. ]
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he withdraws his arm, settles the elbow between them, lets the hand splay across his ribs right over his heart. still going a million miles a minute, but he focuses on it and rewords his thoughts into something more proper before speaking.]
You— you're important to me, too. [sizhui's admittance comes easier since jin ling's said it first, but what follows is a bit more difficult to say,] Whenever I'm around you, my heart... I can't control it.
Like there's a storm raging in my chest, is the only way I can explain how it feels.
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he opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, hands coming up and halting mid-air, eyes wide. ]
You... you... you just—
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