[ take a walk or drop into bed, either sounds good, and he hates the jittery feeling that pushes through his own exhaustion because it is late. he narrows his eyes a tad at Sizhui's suggestion, at the way he sort of sways. he doesn't shrug his hand off, partly to support him without actually showing it or offering it under the guise of Sizhui obviously attempting to... baby him? take care of him?
it doesn't help the jittery feeling at all, but he's not about to drag Sizhui around the compound when it's this close to nine pm and he looks like he's about to drop. ]
[staying where they are is a good option, too. the main reason he'd suggested walking was to help with the jitters; some movement, no matter how slight, could've been good for him after sitting all day. lying down wouldn't be the worst option, either. jin ling scrutinizes him, sizhui's expression holds steady, unwavering from the calm and collected facade he's carefully holding together. just nevermind the fact he looks like his knees might give out at any time, it's fine, at least he's not listing.
he does eventually have to look away though, casts his gaze downward before jin ling ends up noticing the bleary look in his eyes.] Mmn, [is the noise of agreement he initially offers then he tucks his sword underneath his arm, reaches into his robes and produces three prewrapped ginger drops.]
It isn't much... but even just one should help any leftover ailments.
[ he hold his eyes for a moment until the other looks away and procures the reason for his visit. ]
Oh.
[ he looks down at the candies, eyes a little wide and mechanically brings a hand up to accept them, feeling a little floaty with the slight warm feeling in his chest. then he looks back up at Sizhui, furrowing his brows, because seriously. ]
You look like your going to pass out. Did you really decided to come here this late, just to give me a couple of candies?
[ instead of saying thank you, he starts berating him instead. good job, Jin Ling. ]
[it's odd, standing there with his palm upturned, offering the jin sect leader candy of all things, but it's not a bad sensation, just... different in a way he can't explain. sort of like the heat spreading throughout his own midsection he's trying so desperately to ignore, especially when they're standing this close.]
I'm alright. Could we maybe sit down, though? And no, I didn't just come to give you the candy. [sizhui came because he was worried, wanted to see for himself what sort of condition his friend was in.
(don't worry, jin ling, you're doing great, sweetie!) he takes the reprimanding in stride nonetheless, raises his hand to gesture toward the bed, second-guesses, almost motions to the desk instead, comes up short then as well—
so, lan yuan squeezes his eyes shut, wrinkles his nose then reopens them and directs back to jin ling, hoping he'll make the decision for them. wherever feels more appropriate will do fine.]
[ to be honest, Jin Ling still doesn't feel like he's a sect leader yet. the shoes to fill seems to get bigger and bigger and he's doing his best to not stumble in the dark.
it takes him another couple of moments to take a step back from Sizhui, put some distance between them, inhaling on a measured, stuttering breath. masking it as tiredness is fine, right? he's tired. exhausted even, but Sizhui doesn't need to know that, doesn't need the worry.
so Jin Ling focuses on him instead, even though he almost misses Sizhui's question in lieu of his mind wandering. ]
Not just the candy?
[ he sees the other consider the different spots in his room and oh. Jin Ling raises his arm to... what? he's hovering as Sizhui closes his eyes in apparent vague distress and he hesitates, before he grabs his friend's wrist. ]
Come on, before you topple over.
[ and tugs him towards the bed and turning him around so he can sit. ]
Did you rush here? What were you thinking?
Edited 2020-07-10 09:36 (UTC)
this is a no judgement zone!! typos happen, english is hard, etc etc
[becoming well-versed in the ways of sect leadership isn't something that will happen overnight; it's been a couple years now, sure, but jin ling has been doing it competently the whole time in sizhui's opinion.
although what does he know about being a sect leader while he's still technically training underneath hanguang-jun? or ‘his excellency,’ rather. wait, does that mean— “not just the candy?”
—oh, apparently his own thoughts had been derailed a moment there, too.]
I came to, ah, [but he hesitates as jin ling lifts his arm, eyebrows arching with both curiosity and interest; what's his next move? taking sizhui's wrist, it would seem, and he doesn't hesitate to follow whenever he's chided again – which makes him bite his cheek to hide a smile – then lead toward the bed.
what's unexpected is his friend bodily helping him sit down. that makes his eyes widen somewhat, though he softens almost right away at jin ling's question. sizhui's head dips, he sets his sword aside, laces his fingers together in his lap.
and finally, he admits just underneath his breath,] I was thinking about you, about if you... if you were okay or not.
[ he'd take that as a compliment and silently preen with it, really. he frowns a little at Sizhui's apparent drifting attention, a clear sign that he's as tired as he should be.
as soon as he has his friend sitting down, he realizes with a pang that he doesn't know what to do, flounders a little, tries not to trail his eyes after the way Sizhui bends his head, smiles vaguely, even as he settles there. oh... wait he's settling on his bed. that's. an odd feeling and he's not sure he knows what to do with it, so he swallows it down in time to hear what the other says, almost whispers. ]
You... what?
[ he can't help but flush red, feel the warmth spread across his cheeks and he's thankful that Sizhui isn't looking at him at the moment, because he suddenly feels the embarrassment and warmth form goosebumps across his skin. he crosses his arms and turns away to hide his fluster, moving back to his table, trying to school the red down as he settles behind it. ]
...I'm fine, you can see I'm fine. I bet Jingyi is worse off than me, isn't he? [ he's babbling, he knows that, and his voice drops a bit of volume and he tries not to mumble. ] But thanks, I guess. For... mm. The candies. It's... it's appreciated.
[for whatever it may be worth, the lan disciple doesn't notice his struggling too much, taking into account he's finding it more and more difficult to lift his head— and wow, when did his hands get so interesting? he doesn't remember, but eventually, he does manage an upward glance, just long enough to momentarily see jin ling's expression. hm, he doesn't look outright appalled by what's been said, though the way he all but whispers is rather telling.
sizhui lowers his gaze again, disentangles his hands and lifts one to rest over his chest, pressing against it tight like that might keep his heart from bursting through his ribcage. should he have worded it differently? perhaps something with additional eloquence would've proved more proper, he'll later blame his clumsiness on the exhaustion.
he tilts his head back up after jin ling crosses his arms, opening his mouth as if to protest, although the other male is already making his way back toward the table. instinctively, sizhui's hands lower, palms bracing on the edge of the bed like he might move to push himself upright and follow. except when he remembers how discombobulated he was while on his feet a few moments ago, he second-guesses, clenches his fingers around the bedsheets a long moment then exhales a slow, measured sigh before letting go.
of course he can see his friend is fine, that doesn't make him any less worried for his well-being!]
Jingyi always goes overboard and regrets it later, you know that. What would make anything different now? [despite his being tired, sizhui sounds genuine when he asks and definitely can't help the small approving hum toward jin ling's gratitude.] You're welcome... I do hope they help.
[ he shuffles his papers around without actually looking at them. god damn it Jin Ling, what's wrong with you? it's just Sizhui, there's no reason to be nervous around him. it's your best friend, remember?
maybe the headache is really just messing with him, this anxiousness really only the nausea he's left with since last night, surely that's it, and he tries to swallow the way his heart is trying to climb into his throat because it's definitely not comfortable.
it takes a few more moments before he's effectively made a bigger mess of his table and he just abandons that in favour of glancing up at his companion, in time to meet his eyes. his cheeks flush without his consent because who allowed Sizhui to look like that, picture perfect and cute even when he's tired and wow okay. no.
screech and halt, wow. stop, brain. he purses his lips and quickly looks down, reaches up to brush the flush of his cheeks but instead leans his forehead against his fingers. ]
No, it's... [ what? why did he bring up Jingyi anyway, just to fill the silence? ] Thank you, Sizhui.
[rustling papers hold sizhui's attention, give him something mindless to focus on during his momentary consideration: had he embarrassed jin ling coming here? by showing him the slightest hint of possible affection—
now hold on, that may not be the proper word! it's definitely the right one, no doubt about that, you just don't want to admit that because what if he doesn't feel the same way?
well, at least the other boy won't need to feel too self-conscious since sizhui is quite certain his cheeks are abruptly pink despite doing everything within his power to will the blush away. jin ling breaks eye-contact first and his own gaze lowers, both hands raising then dropping atop his thighs with a soft, yet still audible smack.]
We're friends, Jin Ling. It's the least I could do and I know you'd do the same. [or in his own sort of way? also, here's hoping jin ling won't mind if he just. slowly lets himself tumble backward across his bed like it's no big deal. easily the worst idea when he's already lightheaded but being laid down means he's stabilized, that he can close his eyes while doing some slow diaphragm-based breathing and trying to gather his bearings.]
[ affection is embarrassing, okay? and he'd least of all expect it being directed at himself. gods, he's turning into his uncle and he's well aware of that. that's... a sad thought. (sorry, uncle).
Sizhui is just kind, that's his default state of being. he's always been kind to his friends, he'd do the same for Jingyi or Zizhen, or any other person, really. him coming over to you this close to the night isn't special, Jin Ling, get a grip.
he doesn't jump at the smack, but he does look back up, brows furrowing a little. ah... yes, there's the confirmation of Sizhui's pure and respectable kindness. that's all there is, friendly kindness. he mentally smacks himself and decides to stuff any other potential feeling he is (absolutely not!) having in a box, lock it with fifty padlocks and bury it so far back into his mind he won't find it again. surely that's the safest way to do it.
...so why does his cheeks still heat a little as Sizhui makes his bed a resting place. Jin Ling doesn't mind, but now he's also rooted to the spot, because Sizhui is on his bed, laying down. this shouldn't even be an issue. this is what friends do... right? it's normal. he clears his throat, feeling it twinge a little with uncomfortable tightness and tries to relax his shoulders. ]
Of course I would. Because we're friends. ... do you need to sleep? You should sleep.
[ the words are out his mouth before he can stop them and he's not going to take them back now. ]
[yes, he knows, that's why he isn't making a big deal out of it. or is trying not to, anyway? (jin ling, please, don't become your uncle when it comes to receiving affection . . .)
he's kind and would do the same thing for them, but he did this for jin ling because— because why? if he'd do the same for his other friends, what makes visiting jin ling tonight different? he doesn't honestly have an answer.
the next breath he inhales is a little sharper than he means, though it's alright. sizhui simply holds it, loosens his hands where he'd crossed them over his stomach and reaches with the left one to clutch his ribs like he might sincerely have an injury of some sort. he doesn't, it's just an excuse for why he sounded that way. “do not tell lies,” and “abstain from anything that feels wrong,” both dart across his thoughts at the same time. it won't totally be a lie.
sizhui's face hasn't gotten any less redder, by the way! in fact, after having laid himself out, his cheeks are heating with the realization that one: he's lying in jin ling's bed, and two: jin ling seems okay with this, even takes it a step further by asking if he should sleep then correcting himself and saying more intently.]
It isn't nine yet.
Besides, Jin Ling, [except he hesitates, mouth going impossibly dry, a lump forming in his throat soon after. you can't say that, you can't— the hand on his side skims to his chest, presses while he swallows, tongue darting over his lips before he breathlessly murmurs,] You should, too.
[ he can't help it that's how he was raised! not that he doesn't want the affection, he really does, but he doesn't know what to do with it when he is on the receiving end so it just ends up failing. who'd want that? ]
You still have to keep that schedule even if you'd want to go to bed earlier? That's dumb.
[ he frowns even more at the way Sizhui is clutching at his chest, breath momentarily sharp and ragged (Sizhui wtf?) because from an outside point of view it kind of looks concerning. but Sizhui would say if he felt bad, wouldn't he? wouldn't he? suddenly he's unsure what to do because somehow it looks like the other Junior is half dying in his bed and that's not quite the feeling he wanted washing over him.
but it doesn't stop Jin Ling from getting up again, concern flickering over his face as he takes a hesitant step towards the bed. ]
[one has to make mistakes to learn from them, is an oddly appropriate thing in that sense. nevertheless, lan sizhui understands, given some of his own more reserved, taciturn affection. what he received, he still took and made his own; he's politely affectionate with his friends, yet hasn't considered or had the courage to act on anything else.
until jin ling, that is, and lying here in his private quarters – in his bed (because yes, it's still on his mind!) – he's starting to wonder how long he'll continue keeping quiet tonight.
it is kind of dumb when he thinks: if sizhui wanted to, he could very well retire to his room for sleep at whatever time after dinner and surely no one would question it. the problem with that is there's usually so much else to do, he doesn't have time to waste on sleeping early whenever he could practice guqin, read or visit the rabbits and lil apple in the back mountain! or worry his best friend far more than he ever should by fibbing his way through a little (harmless) white lie.]
It's okay, I just. Moved too quickly earlier in the day and twisted something.
[goodness, he's playing it up well, pushing his fingertips into his sternum and even lifting his other hand to dismissively wave. do you know what else pain is a good excuse for, though? getting someone to move closer.] Probably a contusion of some sort.
[ he comes to a stop a foot from the bed, hovering while trying to make it look like he isn't. he's still not sure what to do with the weird somersaults his heart is making at seeing Sizhui sprawled out on his bed, so he tries to push that back in favour of trying to speak with a relatively calm voice. (everything is relative). maybe he's having a slight panic attack... that would explain the heart palpitations, and it's not like it'd be the first time it's happened.
though it's different, tight and kind of fluttery in his chest and wow he takes a quiet breath. ]
Twisted something? You? You're not an old man, how can you— actually forget that. Just... do you need anything?
[ and wow, don't tell anyone you lied, Lan Sizhui. that's so brazen, breaking a sect rule like that. not that Jin Ling would care, he'd rather just be surprised that it'd be you and not Jingyi who'd dare to fib. isn't that like the most known Lan rule there is? ]
[ah... it's just out of arms reach that he moves and he didn't want to have to move since he is still a bit lightheaded, but jin ling asking if he needs anything is a terrific open-ended offer. don't worry, he won't tell anyone he lied (except for his friend later, technically) and so long as it stays between them, what's the harm? besides, what sizhui's about to do will be far more questionable than him simply breaking lan clan's rule of ‘no telling lies.’
if the lying would've been considered bold and shameless, god only knows what his next move can be called.]
Jin Ling, [comes through an exasperated, albeit fond-sounding sigh then sizhui rolls, stretches an arm out and cinches his fingers around the other boy's wrist.] I need you to sit down and do some deep-breathing with me.
[come now, jin ling, where else did he learn such a terrible habit? jingyi's good at breaking (or ‘bending,’ as their friend would insist) the rules, so best to learn from a master and know exactly how to word things proper-like for a convincing lie. let's not get into the way it'll help him bluff his way through the next remark, either.] Because if you worry any harder, you'll fall through the floor.
[ he blinks at the grab, confused for a split second, eyes darting to the hold Sizhui has on his wrist and then back to his face, mouth opening to protest, heart hammering in his chest. it's officially hard to breathe, what the fuck. ]
What? I...
[ oh. of course Sizhui would notice his anxiety. if that's what it is, leastwise. he's not sure right now, but it does feel like it. he quickly tries to school his face into a put off face that honestly looks more like a pout. ] ... fine. If that's what you need. [ and it only takes him a moment to simply comply, take one more step and just sit down with a huff, crossing his arms and looking away. ]
I don't need to breathe, I'm fine. I'm not worried.
[while jin ling can protest not being anxious all he likes, holding onto his arm the way he is, sizhui can feel how his pulse races underneath his fingers. but hey, it was worth a try though, right? an a for effort and all that.
he levels his friend with a look, daring him to argue, although there isn't much actual heat behind it, so it's more like a halfhearted smolder if anything.
not like it matters when jin ling decides he'll actually accept his fate and sit down on the bed, a gesture which has sizhui's expression momentarily overcome with bafflement – he didn't think that would work! – but he does his best attempt at quelling the surprise. it helps somewhat that he can't resist smiling after jin ling pouts, crosses his arms and looks away, his own head shaking faintly, the hand withdrawing to lace together with the other one, both of them draped across his midsection again.]
Your energy says otherwise. [a beat] Now, lie down.
and wow, he can be accommodating sometimes, it's not that rare! (okay maybe it is, but he'd like to think he's gotten better at this in recent years.)
he's looking away so he doesn't catch the way Sizhui smiles at him, sadly, though he slumps his shoulders, almost a little disappointed the moment Sizhui lets go and Jin Ling, what in the world is that supposed to mean?? he still has a headache, thinking about this is not making it better, though despite his heart dancing irregularly in his chest, he feels somewhat calmer this close to his friend and it's a weird combination of feelings.
he's about to scoff at the other when the "lie down" almost sounds like an order in Sizhui's smooth voice, that somehow elicits a shiver down his spine and woah wait. he goes still for just a fraction of a second before he flops back onto the bed to get rid of that feeling, not because Sizhui said so absolutely not. he's pretty sure his other option would have included getting up and fleeing out the door instead.
he carefully keeps his eyes on the ceiling, and it takes a few swallows before he even replies. ]
[alright, alright, he won't do it again! (but at least he was polite enough to keep it to himself instead of mentioning aloud how worrisome that heart-rate is.)
also: yes, jin ling's gotten much better at being accommodating over the years.
something he shouldn't worry about, however, is sizhui letting his arm go for now because at some point, he'll be taking hold of it again. except the next time he does, it won't just be his wrist and jin ling might actually have an aneurysm or a heart-attack at the idea of hand-holding. he has to admit, the fact his friend willingly lies down beside him without much fuss is almost heart-stopping.
the hesitation before it is what sizhui's curiosity lingers on, though. he keeps his attention focused upward for now, waiting until jin ling has settled next to him, striving as hard as he can to ignore the rapid th-th-thump of his own heartbeat and the dull, achy throb in his wrists. it's good jin ling hasn't fled since that'd mean sizhui would give chase which, ten to one, isn't smart when he's already lightheaded. despite how it feels like the air has been sucked straight from his lungs, he still manages,] Your qi, [he sighs softly.] It's disturbed, I can feel it. How can you not?
[and if he can't, then is he feeling his own nervousness? is he the one about to vibrate out of his skin? (the answer is: probably both.)]
[ to be honest, he should herd Sizhui to the guest room opposite his own, for propriety's sake. servants and disciples have probably seen the other enter his quarters but not leaving yet, but Jin Ling doesn't really want to move, and... he'd like Sizhui to stay around a little bit longer. surely he can help him to the guest room later when he's about to fall asleep. right?
he doesn't want to think too hard on the fact that he wants to stay just like this, beside Sizhui, feeling the slight heat coming off the other from the close proximity and he suppresses another shiver. Jin Ling, what's wrong with you today? his heart is still beating a mile a minute and he's got no way to calm it down.
he's never really had a way to deal with his bouts of anxiety before he met his current group of friends. Jiujiu is a mass of vibrating anxiety and anger and is no real help there, and his other uncle... he was never really there in that capacity. he breathes out and just shakes his head silently when he's straying too far into that topic in his head. it's too much still to think about, even if it's been a few years now.
it's with a start he realizes that Sizhu's kept talking even as Jin Ling's gotten lost in his own head on five different topics and he takes a short breath, barely registers "qi" and "disturbed" and groans silently. yeah, he knows. ]
Of course I can feel it. I'm just tired, I think. Thinking.
[ can you qi deviate from overblown anxiety? he doesn't know and he'd not want to find out, really. he's heard stories and it's not pretty. it's anxiety, for sure. the way he feels lightheaded and poised for flight, but there's something else mingled into it that's nervous anticipation and it makes for a strange combination. and his head still hurts. he doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes, but frowns a little as the pain settles somewhere between his eyes. goddamnit, this is no time for you to be dramatic, Jin Ling. you have a guest, who for all intents and purposes is tired and needs rest. he immediately abolishes all thoughts of going crazy from his own panic from his mind and finally forces his body to shift and glances over at Sizhui. ]
[sizhui won't fall asleep in jin ling's bed, he won't because gods, what would anyone think if they saw him leaving the sect leader's personal room in the morning rather than the guest quarters? the longer he considers it, the redder his cheeks get and eventually, he's reaching to scrub his fingertips over his face, clearing his throat then resting one arm between them, the other resting across his heart.
perhaps doing that wasn't the best idea, it'll only put him within closer proximity and poor jin ling already seems flustered with how close they are. (he is too, let's be real!) but sizhui's always done his best to handle his emotions rather than the other way around; so, maybe he doesn't have an exact solution that will help jin ling's ever-growing anxiety, he does have a technique he's used himself he can offer. just because it's helped him doesn't mean it will help his friend, but where's the harm in trying?
silent or not, attention focused elsewhere even, he can feel jin ling's displeasure. all he offers is the most fleeting glance then his attention's back on the ceiling, lips softly pursed, total silence.
he inhales, measured and sustained, contemplating jin ling's words. overthinking, he wants to correct, though he holds his tongue, absently drums his digits against his sternum while doing some thinking of his own. every single week, he's noticed he questions his feelings for jin ling at least once a day; what they mean, how much better it'd feel blurting it all out and getting everything on the table. except when he remembers what it means, the repercussions that come with admitting those feelings while the chance of them being vehemently denied hangs in the balance— oh, but what if they're reciprocated of all things? this whole damn time, sizhui's attention remains unfalteringly upward, right until the other male turns toward him.
he slowly casts him a glance, flutters half-lidded eyes, draws the arm between them up then says,] Give me your hand, Jin Ling.
[before it's even asked: no will not be an acceptable answer and, just for emphasis, sizhui wiggles his fingers, somehow making an almost enthusiastic gesture look patient without hardly trying.]
[ to be honest, if that actually did happen, Jin Ling would glare at people, but even as a sect leader he can't control the flow of gossip. not that there would be anything to gossip about. they're friends, so honestly there shouldn't even be a problem. but this isn't some inn where people can share a bed for lack of space. it's the Carp Tower. there's no reason for him to keep Sizhui in his room for anything else than a friendly chat before sleep.
he doesn't want to feel the anxiousness, so he shifts to cross his arms over his chest, even as he's laying down, feeling defensive without reason and purses his lips. gods he's not fifteen anymore, he's almost of age, responsible for a whole sect on his own!
his mind is going a mile per minute and he mostly just feels jittery with the proximity and he wants to do something but he doesn't know what. or he'd prefer not to admit to himself that he'd like to press closer to Sizhui, enjoy the warmth radiating from the other young man and the thought makes his heart lurch into his throat. no. he's not going to blurt out something he'll regret saying, or something that'll ruin the friendship between them. sure, he's gotten better over the years, but he's still bad at friendship as a standard, still at loss sometimes and still afraid he'll somehow lose it.
so he doesn't act on it. doesn't think on it, or even admit to himself the feelings he's trying hard to squash. besides, it's not like Sizhu's interested in that way, so it's a bad idea, overall. he doesn't have the mental fortitude to figure it out, not without making an ass out of himself as a bonus. frankly, it's a miracle Sizhui is still his friend. but Jin Ling isn't going to complain. it's... the first friend he ever made, and he'd go through hell fire to keep it, if he could. no matter what he says outloud.
he's so lost in thought again that when Sizhui speaks up he almost starts and looks back at the other, eyes wide. his hand? what? again, it's probably not on purpose, but Jin Ling feels more acutely tune to the sound of his voice and did it have that timber before? either way it strikes something in his chest and he swallows a little. what's wrong with him tonight? ]
What? Why?
[ even as he asks, he slowly unfurls one hand from his chest and hold it out, albeit a little hesitantly. ]
[nobody can stop gossip, not even a sect leader, but it's a nice thought. one that wouldn't even initially cross sizhui's mind because yes, they're friends, it shouldn't be odd to see them together or to catch the lan disciple leaving jin ling's room— but when it's almost certainly nearing bedtime? well... that's a bit more questionable. his friend already has enough problems, so why is he giving reason to cause further complications?
(for a reason he's not ready to admit yet, although the longer they lay, the more he considers.)
sizhui is doing everything within his power to ignore the fact his own heartbeat is jackhammering uncontrollably; if he brings attention to it, that only makes the problem worse, so focusing on steadying the in and out of his breathing proves more difficult than he'd planned, but it's good in the sense he's still effectively distracted with making it seem like he is calmer than he'd admit. while it hasn't ever been said aloud (not with proper words), he cherishes jin ling's friendship and if he didn't, would he let his friend's harsh words roll off his back like water? or know all too well that jin ling wouldn't know what to do with actual affection if it slapped him in the face? which isn't an insult or anything, sizhui's just aware both jiang cheng and jin guangyao weren't (and aren't) the most affectionate sort of guardians.
oh, if only both of them knew the actuality of the situation. it'd be so much easier to learn jin ling shares the same feelings as he does since then it would end up being a simpler hey, i like you like that! rather than... whatever it is they seem to be doing right now. dancing around the subject has never been his strong suit but for jin ling's sake, maybe it's better he isn't springing this on him while he's least expecting.
“what? why?” he doesn't answer either question, just gently takes jin ling's hand into his own, guides it over and flattens both their hands across the spot below his chest.] Do you feel it? [is the soft query as he inhales through his nose, lets his belly fill with air, holds a few seconds then exhales in the same manner, slow and measured.]
Close your eyes, focus on the way our hands go up and down. Put your other hand on your own abdomen and feel the way it moves. And then do it again.
[ he'd like to think he at least has that kind of control, can at least dissuade people from spreading misinformation before it gets out of hand. does he want it to get out of hand? with Sizhui, not the rumors. he mentally smacks himself the moment that thought even enters his mind because what the fuck Jin Ling you can't just think like this about your best friend. it's...
yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
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houseofsushi2020-05-22 10:34 pm
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it doesn't help the jittery feeling at all, but he's not about to drag Sizhui around the compound when it's this close to nine pm and he looks like he's about to drop. ]
Actually, can we just stay here?
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he does eventually have to look away though, casts his gaze downward before jin ling ends up noticing the bleary look in his eyes.] Mmn, [is the noise of agreement he initially offers then he tucks his sword underneath his arm, reaches into his robes and produces three prewrapped ginger drops.]
It isn't much... but even just one should help any leftover ailments.
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Oh.
[ he looks down at the candies, eyes a little wide and mechanically brings a hand up to accept them, feeling a little floaty with the slight warm feeling in his chest. then he looks back up at Sizhui, furrowing his brows, because seriously. ]
You look like your going to pass out. Did you really decided to come here this late, just to give me a couple of candies?
[ instead of saying thank you, he starts berating him instead. good job, Jin Ling. ]
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I'm alright. Could we maybe sit down, though? And no, I didn't just come to give you the candy. [sizhui came because he was worried, wanted to see for himself what sort of condition his friend was in.
(don't worry, jin ling, you're doing great, sweetie!) he takes the reprimanding in stride nonetheless, raises his hand to gesture toward the bed, second-guesses, almost motions to the desk instead, comes up short then as well—
so, lan yuan squeezes his eyes shut, wrinkles his nose then reopens them and directs back to jin ling, hoping he'll make the decision for them. wherever feels more appropriate will do fine.]
omg how did I not "you're"
it takes him another couple of moments to take a step back from Sizhui, put some distance between them, inhaling on a measured, stuttering breath. masking it as tiredness is fine, right? he's tired. exhausted even, but Sizhui doesn't need to know that, doesn't need the worry.
so Jin Ling focuses on him instead, even though he almost misses Sizhui's question in lieu of his mind wandering. ]
Not just the candy?
[ he sees the other consider the different spots in his room and oh. Jin Ling raises his arm to... what? he's hovering as Sizhui closes his eyes in apparent vague distress and he hesitates, before he grabs his friend's wrist. ]
Come on, before you topple over.
[ and tugs him towards the bed and turning him around so he can sit. ]
Did you rush here? What were you thinking?
this is a no judgement zone!! typos happen, english is hard, etc etc
although what does he know about being a sect leader while he's still technically training underneath hanguang-jun? or ‘his excellency,’ rather. wait, does that mean— “not just the candy?”
—oh, apparently his own thoughts had been derailed a moment there, too.]
I came to, ah, [but he hesitates as jin ling lifts his arm, eyebrows arching with both curiosity and interest; what's his next move? taking sizhui's wrist, it would seem, and he doesn't hesitate to follow whenever he's chided again – which makes him bite his cheek to hide a smile – then lead toward the bed.
what's unexpected is his friend bodily helping him sit down. that makes his eyes widen somewhat, though he softens almost right away at jin ling's question. sizhui's head dips, he sets his sword aside, laces his fingers together in his lap.
and finally, he admits just underneath his breath,] I was thinking about you, about if you... if you were okay or not.
[so that's a ‘yes’ on the rushing.]
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as soon as he has his friend sitting down, he realizes with a pang that he doesn't know what to do, flounders a little, tries not to trail his eyes after the way Sizhui bends his head, smiles vaguely, even as he settles there. oh... wait he's settling on his bed. that's. an odd feeling and he's not sure he knows what to do with it, so he swallows it down in time to hear what the other says, almost whispers. ]
You... what?
[ he can't help but flush red, feel the warmth spread across his cheeks and he's thankful that Sizhui isn't looking at him at the moment, because he suddenly feels the embarrassment and warmth form goosebumps across his skin. he crosses his arms and turns away to hide his fluster, moving back to his table, trying to school the red down as he settles behind it. ]
...I'm fine, you can see I'm fine. I bet Jingyi is worse off than me, isn't he? [ he's babbling, he knows that, and his voice drops a bit of volume and he tries not to mumble. ] But thanks, I guess. For... mm. The candies. It's... it's appreciated.
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sizhui lowers his gaze again, disentangles his hands and lifts one to rest over his chest, pressing against it tight like that might keep his heart from bursting through his ribcage. should he have worded it differently? perhaps something with additional eloquence would've proved more proper, he'll later blame his clumsiness on the exhaustion.
he tilts his head back up after jin ling crosses his arms, opening his mouth as if to protest, although the other male is already making his way back toward the table. instinctively, sizhui's hands lower, palms bracing on the edge of the bed like he might move to push himself upright and follow. except when he remembers how discombobulated he was while on his feet a few moments ago, he second-guesses, clenches his fingers around the bedsheets a long moment then exhales a slow, measured sigh before letting go.
of course he can see his friend is fine, that doesn't make him any less worried for his well-being!]
Jingyi always goes overboard and regrets it later, you know that. What would make anything different now? [despite his being tired, sizhui sounds genuine when he asks and definitely can't help the small approving hum toward jin ling's gratitude.] You're welcome... I do hope they help.
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maybe the headache is really just messing with him, this anxiousness really only the nausea he's left with since last night, surely that's it, and he tries to swallow the way his heart is trying to climb into his throat because it's definitely not comfortable.
it takes a few more moments before he's effectively made a bigger mess of his table and he just abandons that in favour of glancing up at his companion, in time to meet his eyes. his cheeks flush without his consent because who allowed Sizhui to look like that, picture perfect and cute even when he's tired and wow okay. no.
screech and halt, wow. stop, brain. he purses his lips and quickly looks down, reaches up to brush the flush of his cheeks but instead leans his forehead against his fingers. ]
No, it's... [ what? why did he bring up Jingyi anyway, just to fill the silence? ] Thank you, Sizhui.
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now hold on, that may not be the proper word! it's definitely the right one, no doubt about that, you just don't want to admit that because what if he doesn't feel the same way?
well, at least the other boy won't need to feel too self-conscious since sizhui is quite certain his cheeks are abruptly pink despite doing everything within his power to will the blush away. jin ling breaks eye-contact first and his own gaze lowers, both hands raising then dropping atop his thighs with a soft, yet still audible smack.]
We're friends, Jin Ling. It's the least I could do and I know you'd do the same. [or in his own sort of way? also, here's hoping jin ling won't mind if he just. slowly lets himself tumble backward across his bed like it's no big deal. easily the worst idea when he's already lightheaded but being laid down means he's stabilized, that he can close his eyes while doing some slow diaphragm-based breathing and trying to gather his bearings.]
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Sizhui is just kind, that's his default state of being. he's always been kind to his friends, he'd do the same for Jingyi or Zizhen, or any other person, really. him coming over to you this close to the night isn't special, Jin Ling, get a grip.
he doesn't jump at the smack, but he does look back up, brows furrowing a little. ah... yes, there's the confirmation of Sizhui's pure and respectable kindness. that's all there is, friendly kindness. he mentally smacks himself and decides to stuff any other potential feeling he is (absolutely not!) having in a box, lock it with fifty padlocks and bury it so far back into his mind he won't find it again. surely that's the safest way to do it.
...so why does his cheeks still heat a little as Sizhui makes his bed a resting place. Jin Ling doesn't mind, but now he's also rooted to the spot, because Sizhui is on his bed, laying down. this shouldn't even be an issue. this is what friends do... right? it's normal. he clears his throat, feeling it twinge a little with uncomfortable tightness and tries to relax his shoulders. ]
Of course I would. Because we're friends. ... do you need to sleep? You should sleep.
[ the words are out his mouth before he can stop them and he's not going to take them back now. ]
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he's kind and would do the same thing for them, but he did this for jin ling because— because why? if he'd do the same for his other friends, what makes visiting jin ling tonight different? he doesn't honestly have an answer.
the next breath he inhales is a little sharper than he means, though it's alright. sizhui simply holds it, loosens his hands where he'd crossed them over his stomach and reaches with the left one to clutch his ribs like he might sincerely have an injury of some sort. he doesn't, it's just an excuse for why he sounded that way. “do not tell lies,” and “abstain from anything that feels wrong,” both dart across his thoughts at the same time. it won't totally be a lie.
sizhui's face hasn't gotten any less redder, by the way! in fact, after having laid himself out, his cheeks are heating with the realization that one: he's lying in jin ling's bed, and two: jin ling seems okay with this, even takes it a step further by asking if he should sleep then correcting himself and saying more intently.]
It isn't nine yet.
Besides, Jin Ling, [except he hesitates, mouth going impossibly dry, a lump forming in his throat soon after. you can't say that, you can't— the hand on his side skims to his chest, presses while he swallows, tongue darting over his lips before he breathlessly murmurs,] You should, too.
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You still have to keep that schedule even if you'd want to go to bed earlier? That's dumb.
[ he frowns even more at the way Sizhui is clutching at his chest, breath momentarily sharp and ragged (Sizhui wtf?) because from an outside point of view it kind of looks concerning. but Sizhui would say if he felt bad, wouldn't he? wouldn't he? suddenly he's unsure what to do because somehow it looks like the other Junior is half dying in his bed and that's not quite the feeling he wanted washing over him.
but it doesn't stop Jin Ling from getting up again, concern flickering over his face as he takes a hesitant step towards the bed. ]
Ah... h-hey— what's wrong? Are you hurt?
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until jin ling, that is, and lying here in his private quarters – in his bed (because yes, it's still on his mind!) – he's starting to wonder how long he'll continue keeping quiet tonight.
it is kind of dumb when he thinks: if sizhui wanted to, he could very well retire to his room for sleep at whatever time after dinner and surely no one would question it. the problem with that is there's usually so much else to do, he doesn't have time to waste on sleeping early whenever he could practice guqin, read or visit the rabbits and lil apple in the back mountain! or worry his best friend far more than he ever should by fibbing his way through a little (harmless) white lie.]
It's okay, I just. Moved too quickly earlier in the day and twisted something.
[goodness, he's playing it up well, pushing his fingertips into his sternum and even lifting his other hand to dismissively wave. do you know what else pain is a good excuse for, though? getting someone to move closer.] Probably a contusion of some sort.
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though it's different, tight and kind of fluttery in his chest and wow he takes a quiet breath. ]
Twisted something? You? You're not an old man, how can you— actually forget that. Just... do you need anything?
[ and wow, don't tell anyone you lied, Lan Sizhui. that's so brazen, breaking a sect rule like that. not that Jin Ling would care, he'd rather just be surprised that it'd be you and not Jingyi who'd dare to fib. isn't that like the most known Lan rule there is? ]
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if the lying would've been considered bold and shameless, god only knows what his next move can be called.]
Jin Ling, [comes through an exasperated, albeit fond-sounding sigh then sizhui rolls, stretches an arm out and cinches his fingers around the other boy's wrist.] I need you to sit down and do some deep-breathing with me.
[come now, jin ling, where else did he learn such a terrible habit? jingyi's good at breaking (or ‘bending,’ as their friend would insist) the rules, so best to learn from a master and know exactly how to word things proper-like for a convincing lie. let's not get into the way it'll help him bluff his way through the next remark, either.] Because if you worry any harder, you'll fall through the floor.
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What? I...
[ oh. of course Sizhui would notice his anxiety. if that's what it is, leastwise. he's not sure right now, but it does feel like it. he quickly tries to school his face into a put off face that honestly looks more like a pout. ] ... fine. If that's what you need. [ and it only takes him a moment to simply comply, take one more step and just sit down with a huff, crossing his arms and looking away. ]
I don't need to breathe, I'm fine. I'm not worried.
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he levels his friend with a look, daring him to argue, although there isn't much actual heat behind it, so it's more like a halfhearted smolder if anything.
not like it matters when jin ling decides he'll actually accept his fate and sit down on the bed, a gesture which has sizhui's expression momentarily overcome with bafflement – he didn't think that would work! – but he does his best attempt at quelling the surprise. it helps somewhat that he can't resist smiling after jin ling pouts, crosses his arms and looks away, his own head shaking faintly, the hand withdrawing to lace together with the other one, both of them draped across his midsection again.]
Your energy says otherwise. [a beat] Now, lie down.
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and wow, he can be accommodating sometimes, it's not that rare! (okay maybe it is, but he'd like to think he's gotten better at this in recent years.)
he's looking away so he doesn't catch the way Sizhui smiles at him, sadly, though he slumps his shoulders, almost a little disappointed the moment Sizhui lets go and Jin Ling, what in the world is that supposed to mean?? he still has a headache, thinking about this is not making it better, though despite his heart dancing irregularly in his chest, he feels somewhat calmer this close to his friend and it's a weird combination of feelings.
he's about to scoff at the other when the "lie down" almost sounds like an order in Sizhui's smooth voice, that somehow elicits a shiver down his spine and woah wait. he goes still for just a fraction of a second before he flops back onto the bed to get rid of that feeling, not because Sizhui said so absolutely not. he's pretty sure his other option would have included getting up and fleeing out the door instead.
he carefully keeps his eyes on the ceiling, and it takes a few swallows before he even replies. ]
What do you mean my energy?
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also: yes, jin ling's gotten much better at being accommodating over the years.
something he shouldn't worry about, however, is sizhui letting his arm go for now because at some point, he'll be taking hold of it again. except the next time he does, it won't just be his wrist and jin ling might actually have an aneurysm or a heart-attack at the idea of hand-holding. he has to admit, the fact his friend willingly lies down beside him without much fuss is almost heart-stopping.
the hesitation before it is what sizhui's curiosity lingers on, though. he keeps his attention focused upward for now, waiting until jin ling has settled next to him, striving as hard as he can to ignore the rapid th-th-thump of his own heartbeat and the dull, achy throb in his wrists. it's good jin ling hasn't fled since that'd mean sizhui would give chase which, ten to one, isn't smart when he's already lightheaded. despite how it feels like the air has been sucked straight from his lungs, he still manages,] Your qi, [he sighs softly.] It's disturbed, I can feel it. How can you not?
[and if he can't, then is he feeling his own nervousness? is he the one about to vibrate out of his skin? (the answer is: probably both.)]
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he doesn't want to think too hard on the fact that he wants to stay just like this, beside Sizhui, feeling the slight heat coming off the other from the close proximity and he suppresses another shiver. Jin Ling, what's wrong with you today? his heart is still beating a mile a minute and he's got no way to calm it down.
he's never really had a way to deal with his bouts of anxiety before he met his current group of friends. Jiujiu is a mass of vibrating anxiety and anger and is no real help there, and his other uncle... he was never really there in that capacity. he breathes out and just shakes his head silently when he's straying too far into that topic in his head. it's too much still to think about, even if it's been a few years now.
it's with a start he realizes that Sizhu's kept talking even as Jin Ling's gotten lost in his own head on five different topics and he takes a short breath, barely registers "qi" and "disturbed" and groans silently. yeah, he knows. ]
Of course I can feel it. I'm just tired, I think. Thinking.
[ can you qi deviate from overblown anxiety? he doesn't know and he'd not want to find out, really. he's heard stories and it's not pretty. it's anxiety, for sure. the way he feels lightheaded and poised for flight, but there's something else mingled into it that's nervous anticipation and it makes for a strange combination. and his head still hurts. he doesn't move, doesn't open his eyes, but frowns a little as the pain settles somewhere between his eyes. goddamnit, this is no time for you to be dramatic, Jin Ling. you have a guest, who for all intents and purposes is tired and needs rest. he immediately abolishes all thoughts of going crazy from his own panic from his mind and finally forces his body to shift and glances over at Sizhui. ]
Nevermind me, you should sleep.
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perhaps doing that wasn't the best idea, it'll only put him within closer proximity and poor jin ling already seems flustered with how close they are. (he is too, let's be real!) but sizhui's always done his best to handle his emotions rather than the other way around; so, maybe he doesn't have an exact solution that will help jin ling's ever-growing anxiety, he does have a technique he's used himself he can offer. just because it's helped him doesn't mean it will help his friend, but where's the harm in trying?
silent or not, attention focused elsewhere even, he can feel jin ling's displeasure. all he offers is the most fleeting glance then his attention's back on the ceiling, lips softly pursed, total silence.
he inhales, measured and sustained, contemplating jin ling's words. overthinking, he wants to correct, though he holds his tongue, absently drums his digits against his sternum while doing some thinking of his own. every single week, he's noticed he questions his feelings for jin ling at least once a day; what they mean, how much better it'd feel blurting it all out and getting everything on the table. except when he remembers what it means, the repercussions that come with admitting those feelings while the chance of them being vehemently denied hangs in the balance— oh, but what if they're reciprocated of all things? this whole damn time, sizhui's attention remains unfalteringly upward, right until the other male turns toward him.
he slowly casts him a glance, flutters half-lidded eyes, draws the arm between them up then says,] Give me your hand, Jin Ling.
[before it's even asked: no will not be an acceptable answer and, just for emphasis, sizhui wiggles his fingers, somehow making an almost enthusiastic gesture look patient without hardly trying.]
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he doesn't want to feel the anxiousness, so he shifts to cross his arms over his chest, even as he's laying down, feeling defensive without reason and purses his lips. gods he's not fifteen anymore, he's almost of age, responsible for a whole sect on his own!
his mind is going a mile per minute and he mostly just feels jittery with the proximity and he wants to do something but he doesn't know what. or he'd prefer not to admit to himself that he'd like to press closer to Sizhui, enjoy the warmth radiating from the other young man and the thought makes his heart lurch into his throat. no. he's not going to blurt out something he'll regret saying, or something that'll ruin the friendship between them. sure, he's gotten better over the years, but he's still bad at friendship as a standard, still at loss sometimes and still afraid he'll somehow lose it.
so he doesn't act on it. doesn't think on it, or even admit to himself the feelings he's trying hard to squash. besides, it's not like Sizhu's interested in that way, so it's a bad idea, overall. he doesn't have the mental fortitude to figure it out, not without making an ass out of himself as a bonus. frankly, it's a miracle Sizhui is still his friend. but Jin Ling isn't going to complain. it's... the first friend he ever made, and he'd go through hell fire to keep it, if he could. no matter what he says outloud.
he's so lost in thought again that when Sizhui speaks up he almost starts and looks back at the other, eyes wide. his hand? what? again, it's probably not on purpose, but Jin Ling feels more acutely tune to the sound of his voice and did it have that timber before? either way it strikes something in his chest and he swallows a little. what's wrong with him tonight? ]
What? Why?
[ even as he asks, he slowly unfurls one hand from his chest and hold it out, albeit a little hesitantly. ]
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(for a reason he's not ready to admit yet, although the longer they lay, the more he considers.)
sizhui is doing everything within his power to ignore the fact his own heartbeat is jackhammering uncontrollably; if he brings attention to it, that only makes the problem worse, so focusing on steadying the in and out of his breathing proves more difficult than he'd planned, but it's good in the sense he's still effectively distracted with making it seem like he is calmer than he'd admit. while it hasn't ever been said aloud (not with proper words), he cherishes jin ling's friendship and if he didn't, would he let his friend's harsh words roll off his back like water? or know all too well that jin ling wouldn't know what to do with actual affection if it slapped him in the face? which isn't an insult or anything, sizhui's just aware both jiang cheng and jin guangyao weren't (and aren't) the most affectionate sort of guardians.
oh, if only both of them knew the actuality of the situation. it'd be so much easier to learn jin ling shares the same feelings as he does since then it would end up being a simpler hey, i like you like that! rather than... whatever it is they seem to be doing right now. dancing around the subject has never been his strong suit but for jin ling's sake, maybe it's better he isn't springing this on him while he's least expecting.
“what? why?” he doesn't answer either question, just gently takes jin ling's hand into his own, guides it over and flattens both their hands across the spot below his chest.] Do you feel it? [is the soft query as he inhales through his nose, lets his belly fill with air, holds a few seconds then exhales in the same manner, slow and measured.]
Close your eyes, focus on the way our hands go up and down. Put your other hand on your own abdomen and feel the way it moves. And then do it again.
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yeah, what is it? the more he thinks about it, the more he feels that coiling, crawling feeling in his chest tighten and it's almost physically painful. he's not sure he likes it at the moment, because his anxiety hasn't spiked like this in quite a while, with his heart thumping loudly against his ribcage.
and then Sizhui, calm and collected Sizhui tugs Jin Ling's hand to cradle it on his chest and it takes a lot of Jin Ling's effort to swallow his arguments. this isn't new, Sizhui's figured out his anxiety patterns years earlier, when Jin Ling still wasn't ready to accept the silent gestures of help and care offered his way. it'd been easier over the years, once they grew closer, and Jin Ling had learned not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Sizhui was his friend, and he'd been raised into this perfect example of calm and steady, grounding. but this is a different kind of touch. from an outsider's point of view perfectly proper, a gesture shared between friends.
it's the fact that, even if faint from this angle, Jin Ling can feel the unsteady, quick rhythm of Sizhui's heart, and he frowns in confusion because what was that? ]
Sizhui, what—
[ he quiets the moment Sizhui lists the instructions and he tries to relax, closing his eyes almost stubbornly because that's just how he is. but he tries, tries to ignore the heat he feels through the fabric of Sizhui's robes and when did this become a problem? he slides his free hand to his stomach and does his best attempt at doing what he's told, breath hitching on the first couple of exhales.
for some reason, it's easier than his beating heart would suggest, and he sags his shoulders slightly the more he focuses on the action itself, on Sizhui's chest moving under his hand and his own breath slipping past his lips. ]
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